Friday, 28 October 2016

FET - done!

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted....I've just been getting on with life - both enjoying it and and preparing for our FET...which was yesterday. Our first hatching blastocyst survived thaw and was put back in yesterday afternoon. My acupuncturist also works out of our fertility clinic so she gave me pre and post acupuncture sessions on site. As I set myself up on the table for the first session, all I could think was it felt like this was happening to someone else. I can't believe we've gotten this far.

The transfer went smoothly and I've been feeling good since. Calm, positive, hopeful. I'm realistic enough to know that the hardest days are to come, but for the moment I'm going to enjoy this feeling of NOT freaking out. I'm pretty exhausted for some reason so my plan to lie on the couch, watching TV and reading for a few days feels good right now. I'm also bloating up as if I'm on stims again, but I'm guessing that's normal.

My beta is 8th November. A Tuesday. So, my plan is test on the morning of Sunday, the 6th so that I can mentally come to terms with the news without having to go straight into work after. I feel like I've followed every old wives tale and piece of advice out there. My relentless research and googling of the past couple of months has probably got something to do with the tiredness I'm feeling! I just pray to God that something is working. Fingers, toes and everything crossed. We are so ready for this to be our time.

Tuesday, 9 August 2016

The elephant in the room

I've read a lot of lists of what not to say to infertile people over the last few years but one I heard on Sunday really takes the biscuit for me...

We had our parents over for lunch and my mother in law was telling my mum about her sister who invites her whole extended family to dinner every Sunday (grandkids, kids, partners etc). She said how it was different for her because none of her children were married...well, at that we all burst out laughing given that her son and daughter in law were sitting across from her! It was funny and not an uncommon faux pas for her to make (in the most loving way possible, she's a little ditzy!)

However, she proceeded to correct herself by clarifying that she meant she has no grandchildren so we're not really....and then trailed off. M laughed again and said "so we're not really married?!" This is of course not what she meant and she would in no way want to cause any offence. Argh...the pain of that throwaway remark....that fact! I had to stare into my plate of food for about a minute before my eyes cleared enough and the lump disappeared from my throat. For what felt like an eternity it felt like (to me only I'm sure) there was a giant elephant in the room!

I wish we could give her a grandchild and I wish we could give my parents one (or two but let's not get greedy!) more. All we can do is hope, hope, hope. In the meantime, I'm still waiting for the elephant that only I can see, to leave the room!

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

FET in motion

I spoke to one of the nurses at our clinic yesterday and to my surprise, she was able to book in our FET there and then! She said they book up quite quickly (it sounds like a hairdressers!) so she would put my name down to make sure I got my slot. So we settled on 27th October. It's a long way to go but I feel really good about it. And "asap" would have been maybe two weeks before. The way it falls, I'm planning on taking two days off from work and because it's a holiday weekend, I'll be off for 5 full days.

I was so hyper after the call...I still don't know why! I think I was excited. I AM excited. It's huge (this is me attempting to remain level headed and calm!). I'm trying not to think too far beyond what will (hopefully) happen after 27th October but for the moment, I'm going to enjoy feeling positive. We have a great few weeks ahead, with trips and a holiday so for the first time in a while, I'm going to focus on just enjoying life!

Sunday, 17 July 2016

A battle won!

After days of anxiety and tears, the call we'd been waiting for came at 9.30 this morning - we have two frozen blasts! We are beyond happy and grateful. On top of that, the embryologist said that they look really good. One was hatching and one was expanding (off to Google now to read more about that!)

Today is a celebration for us. We are just so relieved. I feel physically lighter and my mind feels freer than it has in such a long time. We have long journey ahead of us still but this such a great victory for us! Even if these little blasts don't result in our long-awaited baby, we know now that we are capable of creating blasts, which in itself feels a massive result.

Now, it's time to celebrate and....relax!

Thank you God!!!

Friday, 15 July 2016

This is what worried looks like

Two days until we get the phone call I've been dreading since the 6th March - i.e. the last day that we got such a phone call. Waiting is just so hard! So much of this crappy journey is made up of waiting and I don't think my patience has gotten any better with all the practice I've had.

I am terrified of how I will feel and how I will react if we are once again left with nothing. I know I'll cope because there's no other choice, but I don't want to. When I think back to a couple of months ago when we went through everything, it makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed that we had to navigate our way through those feelings. The thoughts of doing it again.... On top of those feelings of heartbreak, there's the added worry that it just might not happen for us. That my eggs and his sperm just aren't meant to make the match that we both want so much.

Sometimes I forget the worry and negativity that usually comes so naturally to me (I wish it didn't!) and I think about "when" we do our FET etc etc. Then I'm jerked back to the reality that a FET is in no way a given, but a dream, the next milestone we have to reach. I just hope it's within our grasp this time.

Two days to go. I hope I can stay sane and not work myself into a mess. All I can do is hope and pray that this time, things will be different.

Waiting is just so hard.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

This is so hard!

Egg collection was Monday and the procedure itself went fine (apart from waking up in the middle of it but they quickly noticed and knocked me back out) but my hormones were through the roof and they ended up getting 20 eggs which was a big shock. These factors combined meant that they weren't happy to do a potential (I say potential because nothing is a given) fresh transfer so we have to go to potential elective freeze.

The cherry on top of this that I have to take Clexane and Cetrotide injections every evening for two weeks and also a tablet that I can't remember the name of. This is to thin my blood to prevent clots and also to try and bring my system back to normal. These injections are really hurting at this stage. At least with stims it was all for a good cause - every injection was bringing us closer and giving us a better chance for more follicles. It's hard to find the silver lining for these and my tummy is just so beat up at this stage that we're just injecting into bruised tissue constantly. Oh well. I can handle the physical side of this...

The mental side on the other hand is a challenge, as I expected it would be. Out of our 20 eggs, 17 were mature and 12 fertilised. This gives us a roughly 71% fertilisation rate, compared to 58% last time. This is the positive that I'm clinging to. Hopefully a higher fertilisation rate in turn means better quality eggs and/or sperm? I don't know if there's any foundation to this but that's what I'm hoping.

I.AM.TERRIFIED of the phone call that we're due to receive on Sunday that will let us know if any of our embryos make it to freeze. All I can do is try to distract myself in the meantime but the worry is constantly there. I feel bad for my poor mother who knows we're doing IVF but I haven't been able to tell her anything that's happened this week (apart from letting her know I'm fine post-collection). I just can't bring myself to talk about it/vocalise it. Luckily she's not very familiar with how the whole thing goes so she possibly doesn't even notice my radio silence on the subject. Please God, please let this be our time. Please let our little embryos stay strong and healthy and please give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way.

Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Here we go again

Today is the start of IVF number 2. So far so good...1 ultrasound, 1 blood test and 2 injections in and I'm feeling okay. I can't wait until it's over.

Something that concerns me about my attitude is that I feel like, subconsciously, I'm looking on this IVF (and potentially future IVFs) as a "tick the box" exercise. I can't see it working. I can't see myself ever being pregnant or having our baby. It's so sad! It's a horrible way to think but as I say, it's subconscious. I'm operating solely on the basis of having no regrets in years to come. I want to be able to live with myself, and know that I've done everything I can.

Part of me feels like I need to retrain my mind but another part feels like I'm protecting myself. If I don't have too much expectation surely I won't have too much disappointment...except it doesn't work like that. This whole thing is heartbreaking.

Apart from our increase in supplements, the only difference is that they're taking me in for an extra scan this time to monitor me more closely. I think they might have done egg collection earlier, or else reduced my Gonal F earlier last time if my scans hadn't been so far apart. That doesn't change the fact that they think it's a sperm issue though. Oh well, we'll see. Hopefully things will be different this time. Some days it's easier to feel positive about that than others, but I will persevere!

Overall, 1 day down, I'm feeling fine. Long may it last.

Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Bad blogger

So I haven't been the best blogger over the past few weeks. It's been a very up and down time for me and I've had some good days but unfortunately plenty of bad days too. Sometimes it just all feels so overwhelming.

Our plan is go for round 2 in June, following the exact same protocol as before. This is the bit I'm finding hard to swallow...I got pretty upset in the doctors office the day he gave us his opinion and recommendations. The alternative was that dreaded word...donor. Even though it's hard to tell at the stage our embryos stopped so abruptly, he said that if he had a gun to his head he'd wager that the problem was with the sperm, rather than the egg. This meant that he doesn't see any reason to change the protocol since things went so well up to that point. I think more to appease me than anything, he prescribed Metformin for me. My testosterone was in the normal range but in the higher end so he said he was happy for me to try it.

In the meantime, we're trying to get our heads around the donor suggestion just in case it's something we need to consider after this cycle. It's not an easy one but I don't imagine that the first time any couple hears that word in the doctor's office, is a particularly happy one. We're lucky that there are options out there though I guess and I know that people have grown their families very happily by using that option.

Apart from that, we've upped our supplements game DRAMATICALLY! We thought we took plenty before the last round but nowadays we're rattling as we walk. We probably take about 20 tablets each a day. We're both doing acupuncture now but I've taken a backseat in that department because we can't afford for us both to attend regularly.

In the meantime, we're trying hard to stick to our diet. Sometimes it's more successful than others! We've lost some of the motivation and enthusiasm that drove us on before the last cycle. All I can do is take it day by day and before I know it, cycle 2 will be upon us. About 5/6 weeks and counting....until here we go again.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Living life

I've been feeling a bit better the past couple of days, after a very emotionally fraught weekend. We have booked a holiday for 5 weeks time and the planning and booking has given me something else to focus on and I've been feeling very excited and positive, which is a lovely change. We have also been going out for dinner and I've been making plans with my friends. Basically we're taking our lives back for a little while before we get ready to devote ourselves completely to IVF again.

It's strange, I was saying at the weekend that I felt so much calmer and happier in the middle of my cycle than when I'm trying to live life normally. I suppose it makes sense to some degree, in that I feel like I'm being proactive and have something tangible to focus on for those couple of weeks, as opposed to a far off dream for the future.

I'm struggling a little to get back into a routine however. I'm still finding it hard to focus and my mind is still racing but I guess we're somewhat in a state of limbo at the moment. Maybe after our appointment with our doctor on Monday, I might be able to quieten my mind. Or an information overload will send me into a spin...

I have to say the aftercare from our clinic has been second to none - a nurse rang me everyday for about 4 days after we got the news last week and although I didn't get to speak to anyone (I'd rather not talk to them while I'm at work), it was nice to know they were there and that we hadn't fallen off their records as failures. I got another call on Monday from a lovely nurse, who was just checking in. We had a good chat about what might have gone wrong (egg quality, sperm quality etc) and what supplements we could take to improve things. She suggested we wait 3-4 months before going again which threw me a bit. I had May in my head and thought two months was a generous waiting time but apparently not. I think we'll go with whatever our doctor suggests (within reason!). Hopefully no longer than 3 months. The waiting gets VERY old! In the meantime, I'm trying to enjoy the wait and take a holiday from my busy infertility obsessed mind.

Saturday, 12 March 2016

My Job Doesn't Define Me

I feel claustrophobic the past couple of days. There is a constant swell of panic and anxiety just bubbling below the surface, waiting to burst out if I let my guard down just for one second. I have been so up and down this week. Some days/hours, I feel okay and manage to summon hope and enthusiasm for the future but other times, like now, I feel lower than low.

This new level of sadness/panic that I'm feeling is partially due to work. I don't like my job and I don't like my workplace. The only reason I have stuck it out for so long is convenience and the fact that they pay full maternity leave. This is pretty unusual where we live and would make our lives so much easier than if we had to scrimp and save. So this is basically why I've stayed there for so many years. And I'm still waiting to get to use the ultimate perk. The thing is, I feel this situation has eroded my confidence hugely over the years. The thoughts of going in to work sometimes just makes me break out into a panic. Some days I'm fine but unfortunately the bad days are becoming far more frequent.

The thing is - I feel stuck. Even if I could find a new job, I can't very well walk in and then expect to be given lenience with frequent appointments and then days off straight away, or even for the foreseeable future. I could give up on the possibility of getting paid maternity leave too - the few companies who do offer this generally need you to be employed there for at least two years. I keep telling myself to think of it as "using" my current job for this purpose. I don't care what they think (or I try not to) so if I need to be at an appointment for a couple of hours/be signed off for a few days, I try not to feel guilty because I get nothing else from them, only diminished self-confidence and self-worth!! I get my work done, I keep my head down, I'm not a trouble maker, I am a pleasant colleague. What more do they want?

Now that I've seen another outcome to our IVF cycle, that I had never really envisioned for myself before, I am filled with panic and anxiety that I'll be stuck in this job, where I feel so simultaneously exposed and claustrophobic, for years and years to come. I need to look after my mental health and I had a good grip on things prior to our cycle starting. Work doesn't define me. At least not now. The only job I've ever really wanted was to be a mother and I've put any attempts to further my career and myself on the back-burner and really given it very little thought over the years, as it is just not high up on my list of priorities. I work to live and my priority in life is family. Now I'm scared that that's a pipe dream and I've pigeonholed myself into this situation with no way out.

I know I'm not thinking rationally at the moment and I'm not sleeping much this past week so that definitely doesn't help my head and my thought process. I wish I could see things rationally and put some perspective on things. My priority is still our family and I have other things in life that I'm passionate about and good at. I need to remind myself of this. I spend a long time at work, but it doesn't define me. It's a means to an end and I can only hope and pray that I make it to that end sooner, rather than later. I think while I struggle with this (and I hope I can get a grip on things soon), my mantra will simply be:


I am so much more than this. It is not who I am. It's what I do for right now, in order to follow my dreams, and live my life. 

Tuesday, 8 March 2016


And it's over before it began. I got the call on Sunday morning from one of the embryologists that things were looking pretty behind compared to where they should be. There was hope for one embryo but they wanted to give it an extra day. Sure enough, yesterday morning they rang to say that the last one had given up the fight. We are absolutely crushed. I don't know that I have ever felt sadness like it, it feels like it's going to suffocate me.

We both took yesterday off work, went for a drive, went to see an afternoon movie and then came home and had pizza and wine for dinner. We haven't eaten pizza since last June and haven't had a glass of wine in about 6/7 weeks but it was little consolation. We threw everything we had at this. I feel like I have no more tricks up my sleeve. There is nothing that I could have done differently.

I went back to work today and there were minimal tears. I feel a small bit better but I'm ready to put my feet up and disappear into Netflix again for another few hours. Anything to escape for a while. I'll try and get back into a routine in a few days but for right now I'll allowing myself to just feel sad and do nothing.

M is taking the review phone call with our consultant on Thursday. I'm upset to miss it but I can't answer my phone and talk in an open plan office space and I'd rather save my time off for our next cycle (please let there be the hope of a next one). I really hope he can provide some hope and encouragement so that we can get some closure and look to the future. Right now it just looks like a scary place.

Saturday, 5 March 2016


Ugh has to be the word that about sums up how I'm feeling at the moment. My scan yesterday was very positive - my lining is "beautiful" and things look "really nice" in there so I'm okay to go ahead for a fresh transfer on Monday (please God there is something to transfer by Monday). The doctor was also pretty shocked at my ovaries and she said I must be super uncomfortable. They're the size of oranges right now but they're not leaking so apparently that's the main thing. She sent me home with STRICT instructions to relax - no housework, no exercise, no nothing. I've dreamt of hearing those words my whole life so it was pretty special!

Now though, the novelty has worn off and I am just FED UP of feeling so uncomfortable. I am so bloated and miserable. I'm trying hard to keep positive and I do feel positive - mentally I'm doing okay. Apart from this morning when I cried uncontrollably because I couldn't decide what to wear (I was sneaking out for a break from the couch and Netflix for a quick coffee (herbal tea) with friends). I'm going to go ahead and put it down to the hormones. And the discomfort. I'm just a bit concerned that things aren't right in there but I have to stay positive and just hope that I start to feel better soon. The doctors know what they're doing and she said that I'll be scanned (and drained!) if necessary on Monday.

Also, my acupuncturist has gone AWOL - what a time for that to happen. I left her a message yesterday asking her to contact me to set up pre and post transfer sessions but so far, nada. I'll give her until tomorrow and try her again but I can't help but worry (obviously - I've nothing else to do and sometimes I need to take a break from worrying about my embryos and give something else a go). It sounds like I'm a crazy person but in general I feel pretty okay mentally. If only my tummy would deflate and my ovaries would shrink. In the meantime, my hot water bottle and Netflix are calling.

Thursday, 3 March 2016


I finally got the call...out of the 14 eggs, 12 were suitable for ICSI and 7 have fertilized normally and are going well. RELIEF! I just burst into tears when I got off the phone. Please God let them continue on developing normally. I was told that they would call me on Sunday afternoon with transfer details - assuming we get that far AND assuming my scan tomorrow gives me the okay to go ahead with a fresh transfer.

For a little while, I have some relief but's back to waiting...

Waiting for that call

I had my egg retrieval yesterday - 14 eggs. I'm pretty happy with that. The doctor said that they don't like to get more than 15 generally, as the quality tends to reduce when you go above that. So we're happy with where we're at. As for the procedure itself, I was pretty nervous beforehand but it was a breeze. I've had problems with general anesthetics before, with sickness and taking a long time to recover, so I had the egg collection done under sedation with a hearty dose of zofran to counteract the sickness. So that worked a treat and apart from feeling a little tender (only when the nice painkillers wore off) and wiped, I was fine.

I'm back in tomorrow for a scan to check me out for OHSS as I had so many follicles. I'm drinking as much water as I can - aiming for 4 - 5 litres a day and trying to get protein with every meal. I'm off work for the next few days so my plan is to lie on the couch, hot water bottle on my tummy and Netflix on the go.

I should get the fertilization results today. They said they'd call "at some stage" so I'm getting really nervous as the time ticks by. I really hope we get a good result. We're hoping for a 5 day transfer (and the doctor said he was hopeful that we'd have something left to freeze) as long as the OHSS doesn't become a problem. So there's a lot of variables, but I'm trying to take it one day/one hour at a time....and in the meantime, I have everything crossed for some good news.

Friday, 26 February 2016

Keeping on, keeping on.

Today I had my first progress check/scan. I have about 20 follicles in all, but there are some 5mm in there so I don't think they count. The biggest is 16mm and the rest range from about 12-15. They're a little concerned about OHSS for me so my Gonal F has been reduced to 112.5 and I'm back on Monday for another scan. All going well, they expect egg collection to be on Wednesday or Thursday. I can't believe how quick that is! It feels like we just started...we kind of did just start. I really hope things continue to go okay in there and that I don't hyperstimulate. I'm going back and forth between hoping they all catch up and I've lots of eggs and then remembering that I don't actually want that!

I'm pretty bloated and uncomfortable at this stage and my tummy is getting a bit beat up looking. I've a few bruises and I'm just lumpy and bumpy. It's really attractive... All day I basically live for the moment that I get to come home from work, put on something with a nice loose elasticated waist and put my feet up with a hot water bottle on my tummy. Basically, I'm channeling my inner 80 year old (not hard for me). M has been great - he has really looked after me and the house the past week and it's allowed me to kick back, relax and get some rest.

Mood-wise, I'm still feeling good. I've had acupuncture twice this week and I'm really enjoying it. I'm at the stage where I can really switch off during it so it's great to relax. I'm still trying to get a bit of yoga in too to quieten my mind when it's needed and also get a bit of a stretch to let the blood flow. That's about the extent of the exercise I've been getting this week. Fingers crossed my ovaries keep doing their thing in there and in the meantime, I have a busy schedule of yoga and hot-water-bottling to get to...

This is not me, but it accurately portrays 
how I feel about my hot water bottle...

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

So far, so good

Today is day 4 and so far, things are going well. I've done 6 injections and tomorrow morning we add in the cetrotide so that'll bring me up to a grand total of 3 per day. Admittedly there were tears and a major attack of the nerves on the first day (and the second a little bit...) but by last night I was down to a minimum of squeaks and no tears so I'd call that progress.

Gonal F is a walk in the park. I can feel the needle going in but there's no pain. I also ice my tummy for about 10/15 minutes beforehand so that might be helping. It makes me feel like I'm doing something anyway so I'll keep at it regardless (the ice probably stings more than the needle!). The luveris a bit more of a challenge. There's definitely more of a sting to it but again, it's over quickly enough so it's nothing to worry about. I have a big problem with needles so I really feel that if I can do this, anyone can.

Mood-wise, I'm feeling good. Better than I felt this time last week to be honest. I'm not sure if it's a case of relief at finally feeling like we're doing something proactive, but I feel absolutely fine. I've been doing plenty of yoga and I find that helps, along with the all in all, I feel quite calm about the whole thing. I'm aware that this could change at any second so I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Next week will bring it's own challenges so I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. One thing I will say is that I am TIRED. It is seriously draining stuff. Also - hungry. I'm not sure if it's my body doing extra work, or if I just finally feel justified to allow myself to be lazy and eat every hour (living the dream!). Either way, I'm trying to go with it and just listen to what my body is telling me.

Saturday, 20 February 2016

Go time!

This is how I'm feeling right now... It's really happening - eek!!! My period arrived on Thursday night and we had our appointment with the fertility clinic this morning. So today is cycle day 1 (I don't get the logic but I'll go with it - probably cycle day 1 in terms of taking meds?). I had a scan which showed both ovaries looking "nice" and we both had blood taken. We begin the shots tonight. I'm so nervous but trying not to overthink it. We were lucky enough to have our lovely doctor do the ultrasound/bloods/medication lesson, instead of a nurse (who would be equally lovely, I'm sure!). He really put me (us) at ease and we even had a laugh.

So the rest of today is going to be spent curled up on the couch, in front of the fire, watching movies/boxsets and not thinking about what's going to happen at 7.30! I have two injections (Gonal F and Luveris) this evening and every evening until Wednesday, when I'll add in an extra injection in the morning (cetrotide, to stop ovulation). I'm back in the clinic on Friday to see how things are moving.

I feel weirdly calm about everything. I'm also exhausted. My sleep is still pretty bad but I'm trying hard not to focus on it and just hope that it improves, that I'm getting whatever rest I need and that the stress that's causing all my night-waking isn't affecting my body in any other way.

I can't believe it's here...It's time to be brave. I just hope I can do what I need to and that I don't let us down.

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

T -? days

It's the big week! Maybe... My period is due some day this week. I had initially thought probably Thursday but I feel like ovulation might have been late (typical) so I'm not sure when it'll be but it's definitely on the way. It feels huge! This is actually going to happen. Clearly I'm trying to adopt a casual, laid-back approach and sometimes it even works!

The ol' insomnia has set in...I'm falling asleep with no problems but waking up for a pleasant couple of hours of worry in the small hours and not getting back to sleep. It's hard to remain calm and levelheaded at 4am but I'm trying. I'm still doing plenty of yoga and acupuncture and my body feels quite relaxed but my mind I'm hoping this cycle will be broken soon and in the meantime, I'm trying to remember that a few hours less of sleep (every night) isn't going to make a difference to the outcome. It would be better if I felt well rested but it's not worth stressing over. See how easy it is to be rational at 5.30 pm? In 12 hours time, this will be a different story and I'll quite possibly be sobbing into my pillow!

All in all though, I feel okay. I think I'm ready. I'm ready for it to be over. Right on track after my last post, the worries crept in about it not working/never working/miscarriage etc. They're still floating around in my mind but I'm doing all I can to take one step at a time and cross those bridges if I come to them.

Cycle day 1 - BRING IT ON! (I think....)

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Stressing about stressing

I haven't been very good at writing so far in 2016. I'd like to get better so that I have a journal of sorts about this journey. Truth be told, all I feel like all I'm doing is waiting...and waiting...and waiting. My period should start next week (I was hoping for Thursday or Friday so that I could get a Saturday appointment in the fertility clinic and less time off work) but I don't think that's going to happen. I should have ovulated by now for that to happen and I don't think I have yet. Typical!!

This delayed ovulation is just serving as another reminder to RELAX, STOP STRESSING, CHILL!!! If only it were that easy. I have to say I have to give myself an A for effort on that front though. Even if I'm not succeeding all the time, I'm definitely putting a lot of energy into relaxing! I'm still doing plenty of yoga, walking a few times a week, acupuncture etc. After a good chat (which was preceded by tears and shouting, let's be honest), my husband has been great around the house, doing things that I normally would so that I don't have to worry about them. I'm not sure what other relaxation tools I have in my arsenal? I did download a relaxation track for IVF but yesterday when I remembered that it was sitting unused in my iTunes account, the little stress monster crept in demanding to know "when exactly I plan to make the time to listen to it?" so I've put that on the back-burner. I'm stressing about stressing and stressing about relaxing. Sigh.

I don't paint a pretty picture but it's not all bad. For the most part, I'm sleeping well and soundly (very unlike me) and genuinely, lots of days I feel fine. I bit the bullet last week and let my boss know that I'd have several medical appointments coming up and I had no idea what date any of them were (cryptic!) and she was fine with it. Work and injections have been my two biggest worry-triggers so I definitely felt a huge weight off having the work worry removed. Now I just need to worry about the injections. That's it! Oh and of course the raging hormonal side effects of them. And then just the small matter of whether this all goes to turns out even I have my limits to how much I can worry about simultaneously. I'm guessing I'll make space in my mind for these new worries over the next week or two. Ah yes, it's all under control...

Thursday, 21 January 2016

I am worthy!

I've been taking part in an online yoga camp since the beginning of the year and I have found it soooo beneficial! I got my period yesterday and for the few days leading up to it, I noted that I hadn't been visited by my usual rage monster. I definitely think yoga camp has something to do with this, so for me it has been really great. Some days are harder than others to find the motivation to roll out the yoga mat and it does mean that my days feel busier as I try to squeeze everything in, but I will say that I never regret making the time for it.

Everyday there's a new "mantra" that you are supposed to repeat throughout the practice. You can take this or leave it but I've been trying to take it on board. Some of them are easier to believe than others. Today's mantra made me emotional though, and I even shed a few tears. It was "I am worthy". When I tried to apply it to my life, the first thing I thought of was work....I am worthy of the promotion and raise that has been denied to me for the past couple of years. Whatever - I'm over it. I'm biding my time there at this stage. About halfway through the practice, however, the notion of being worthy of motherhood came into my head and overwhelmed me slightly! It's true though....I am worthy. Just as worthy as anyone else of having a baby. I'm going to keep reminding myself of this and hope that it breeds positivity in me.

As I said before, today is CD2 for me. My next CD1 is the start of IVF. I'm so nervous and a little bit excited to start. Mainly nervous, if I'm being honest. I will definitely keep up the yoga on a regular basis once this camp has finished. Maybe not every day, but several times a week at least. I've also started acupuncture. This my third foray into acupuncture and this practitioner is by far my favourite. I felt great after my first session and in a couple of weeks, I'm going to start going twice a week. It's expensive, but I feel like it could be worthwhile, even if it just helps me to sleep better and feel more chilled out. Hopefully it'll do more than that though.

So far 2016 has been going pretty okay...I just hope it continues on the same way. Namaste!