Saturday, 31 October 2015

A big couple of days ahead

This pretty sums up the way my head is working right now....

I feel like the past few weeks have been a limbo leading up a big crescendo....Monday is the meeting with the surgeon who thinks nothing can be done for me. Even though I have my head and emotions as prepared as I can be for him to confirm what he said previously (that surgery won't be fix my problem and that I'll most likely suffer several miscarriages before I hopefully, please God, carry a baby close enough to term to survive), I'm still terrified about this meeting. I'm afraid he won't have any answers, and I'm equally afraid that he will. That doesn't even make sense but this is unfortunately how my overactive mind is working....exhausting!! I'm also afraid I'll get emotional (again) and not be in a fit state to go back to work after. My boss has been really kind and accommodating of all my appointments, without prying in any way and I want to respect that as much as I can by not taking too long off.

Before I even get to the Monday meeting, we have our IVF open morning tomorrow in the fertility clinic. I don't know why I'm nervous about this but I am for many reasons...

  1. What if we meet people we know?
  2. What if they tell us that we won't be candidates for IVF, with so many issues going against us?
  3. What if they tell us we are? Then I have to get ready for an immensely difficult few months/years ahead.
  4. What if IVF doesn't work?

These questions float around my brain constantly and then I try to answer myself....

  1. Who cares? If we do - they're there for the same reason. If we meet friends, we can share how crappy it is to be in this situation. If we meet acquaintances, we smile and hope that we can both mutually agree that this is a private issue that shouldn't be discussed with people outside.
  2. We try somewhere else and keep going until we get the yes we've been looking for so long.
  3. We're thankful that someone is willing to help us chase our dream and we look forward with hope and gratitude that we have a chance to finally have a shot at a pregnancy (please God).
  4. That's a bridge I have to cross at a later time - there's only so much worry and anxiety one little mind can handle at a time!

Basically......I need to calm down! I have a long to-do list today and am planning a night in front of the fire later so hopefully it will help to take my mind off things. I just can't shake the feeling that so much is hanging on the outcome of the next few days and whatever happens could potentially change our lives....dramatic much?!

As my mum says - "stop meeting trouble halfway". I need to keep reminding myself of this and try to trust that everything will be okay...

Friday, 23 October 2015

Kick us while we're down!

So we've had yet more bad news this week and it's gotten to the stage where we just don't know where it's going to end... It feels like every time we do a new test, or ask a question, the result is always something bad.

M got the results of the last semen analysis he did - this was after about 4.5 months of super healthy eating, a varicocele surgery and hundreds and hundreds of euro worth of supplements (that made him gag every.single.morning.). The results were worse than before. This is just so incredibly frustrating. What's almost worse is we had to chase the doctor for the results and in the end the receptionist emailed a copy of the report over! After doing everything they asked of us, spending all the money on the test and the consultations, the doctor wouldn't even have the grace to pick up the phone and talk him through them?! It makes me so angry...I feel the rage building up in me just thinking about it!

When will it stop? Will it ever stop? Or are we just going to get NO after NO until we finally give up and resign ourselves to living childless? That is just such a scary thought and I'm nowhere near ready to start entertaining it... Life feels very scary right now. I just hope we have enough sperm for an ICSI and given our multitude of problems, the next worry on my (long) list is that the fertility clinic won't even want to treat us. Please God don't let that be our next no...I feel like my heart just can't handle this!

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Ode to Mums

My parents migrate south for the winter since their retirement and I took their leaving very heard this time. I just got off the phone with my mum and in spite of having shed a few tears earlier this afternoon, I feel better already. We just chatted about random non-fertility related things but it is just good to be in touch.

I have been so pleasantly surprised by how great my mum has been since I've filled her in on our goings on of late. I don't know why but I expected her to question our decisions or play down our heartache somewhat. I put off telling her anything specific for a long time because I envisioned myself getting angry (what's new there!!) and feeling like I had to justify my decisions. I'm actually ashamed of how little credit I gave her - I can't understand what I was thinking!! She was so supportive from the get-go and I am just so grateful.

She is unobtrusive and will send me a text message if she knows I have something coming up on a certain day but will avoid actually calling me and instead, just waiting for me to call her to share. Which of course I always do - it's been such a huge weight off my shoulders to feel like I have someone else in my corner (apart from M, of course). She is happy to sit and listen and offer and endless supply of love and hugs. My dad is great too of course - in the silent way that dads are great...I can't imagine discussing the state of my womb with my dad so I wouldn't have it any other way!

Since I'm on the topic of mums, I won't let this opportunity go without a shout-out to my mother-in-law. M is her only married child and she has no grandchildren so I'm sure she is waiting with bated breath for some happy news from us. If I was her, I would be!! However, she has never once so much as hinted that she'd like some grandchildren and could we please hurry the eff up, thank you very much. And for that I am grateful too!

I really hope I get to repay the universe someday by having the opportunity to be the best and most supportive mum I can be. I have a lot to live up to!

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Another roadblock

I'm just going to skip over the fact that I have once again broken my own commitment to blog regularly and get straight to the bad news....

It all started with the hysteroscopy. I was very nervous prior and had to insert two cytotec tablets as close to my cervix as possible the night before. For the first half hour/hour I thought maybe I hadn't done it right as I wasn't feeling anything as I drifted off to sleep....well I must say I had a fabulous 45 minutes of sleep before I woke up practically scratching the mattress in pain. That was the end of that...I was up all night with horrendous pain but I managed to be a big girl and not wake M up to make him experience it with me - I am definitely getting less selfish!! Go me.

I felt better the next morning (lovely painkillers fortified with codeine...) so off we went! It all started off very well and my consultant, who had seemed a bit grumpy and not very personable the last time, was in great form and made me laugh several times in an effort to get rid of my nerves. The procedure itself was quite uncomfortable but not unbearable and it was over quickly. The real pain came after when we sat down to have a little chat...

As far as he can tell from the MRI photos and the hysteroscopy, I'm not a candidate for surgery and he doesn't want to put me through it without a good chance of a positive outcome - something which he doesn't see as being possible. He diagnosed me with a uterus didelphys (basically a double uterus). Most people who have this condition (we are a distinct minority) have two cervixes but I only have one - I feel so special!! Not really. Unfortunately the larger part of my uterus is blocked, with no access. This means that I can only get pregnant in the small part. This is very bad news because basically I will need to have several miscarriages to stretch my womb naturally and the hope is that eventually it will be stretched enough to maintain a pregnancy to around 30 weeks. As I sat there listening to this (M was still in the waiting room and I wish they would have had the foresight to have asked him in for this) I tried hard not to cry but I failed miserably... I was absolutely devastated. This would be bad enough but we can't even get pregnant on our own so basically we need to have IVF (with ICSI) in order to get pregnant, pray it works...and then...well, wait for the pregnancy to end prematurely. It is hard to comprehend how it would be possible to even cope with this kind of pain - repeatedly.

So the past week and a half has been filled much pain, sadness and tears. I do feel like I'm coming out the other side somewhat and trying to focus on the positives in the situation - mainly this is that we can afford to do a few rounds of IVF. And we pray to God that we won't have to but I just feel so grateful that money is not something that will be stopping us from doing everything we can to overcome this and have the baby we both want so much.

We have a follow up meeting with our consultant in about two weeks - in the meantime he is meeting with his doctor buddies and seeing if they can come up with any suggestions for me. He did ask me to prepare myself emotionally for bad news, which I have done. I just don't know where my capacity to accept more and more bad news ends! I am afraid to keep going to find out. I just really hope that we will get some good news soon - it must be nearly our turn!!

In the meantime, we are waiting for the results of a follow up semen analysis to see if our vitamin binging, healthy eating and varicocele surgery have had a positive result. We have also signed up to an IVF open day in a local(ish) clinic to see if we can get the ball rolling on that. Onwards and upwards I guess...