Friday, 15 July 2016

This is what worried looks like

Two days until we get the phone call I've been dreading since the 6th March - i.e. the last day that we got such a phone call. Waiting is just so hard! So much of this crappy journey is made up of waiting and I don't think my patience has gotten any better with all the practice I've had.

I am terrified of how I will feel and how I will react if we are once again left with nothing. I know I'll cope because there's no other choice, but I don't want to. When I think back to a couple of months ago when we went through everything, it makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed that we had to navigate our way through those feelings. The thoughts of doing it again.... On top of those feelings of heartbreak, there's the added worry that it just might not happen for us. That my eggs and his sperm just aren't meant to make the match that we both want so much.

Sometimes I forget the worry and negativity that usually comes so naturally to me (I wish it didn't!) and I think about "when" we do our FET etc etc. Then I'm jerked back to the reality that a FET is in no way a given, but a dream, the next milestone we have to reach. I just hope it's within our grasp this time.

Two days to go. I hope I can stay sane and not work myself into a mess. All I can do is hope and pray that this time, things will be different.

Waiting is just so hard.

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