Wednesday, 27 July 2016

FET in motion

I spoke to one of the nurses at our clinic yesterday and to my surprise, she was able to book in our FET there and then! She said they book up quite quickly (it sounds like a hairdressers!) so she would put my name down to make sure I got my slot. So we settled on 27th October. It's a long way to go but I feel really good about it. And "asap" would have been maybe two weeks before. The way it falls, I'm planning on taking two days off from work and because it's a holiday weekend, I'll be off for 5 full days.

I was so hyper after the call...I still don't know why! I think I was excited. I AM excited. It's huge (this is me attempting to remain level headed and calm!). I'm trying not to think too far beyond what will (hopefully) happen after 27th October but for the moment, I'm going to enjoy feeling positive. We have a great few weeks ahead, with trips and a holiday so for the first time in a while, I'm going to focus on just enjoying life!

Sunday, 17 July 2016

A battle won!

After days of anxiety and tears, the call we'd been waiting for came at 9.30 this morning - we have two frozen blasts! We are beyond happy and grateful. On top of that, the embryologist said that they look really good. One was hatching and one was expanding (off to Google now to read more about that!)

Today is a celebration for us. We are just so relieved. I feel physically lighter and my mind feels freer than it has in such a long time. We have long journey ahead of us still but this such a great victory for us! Even if these little blasts don't result in our long-awaited baby, we know now that we are capable of creating blasts, which in itself feels a massive result.

Now, it's time to celebrate and....relax!

Thank you God!!!

Friday, 15 July 2016

This is what worried looks like

Two days until we get the phone call I've been dreading since the 6th March - i.e. the last day that we got such a phone call. Waiting is just so hard! So much of this crappy journey is made up of waiting and I don't think my patience has gotten any better with all the practice I've had.

I am terrified of how I will feel and how I will react if we are once again left with nothing. I know I'll cope because there's no other choice, but I don't want to. When I think back to a couple of months ago when we went through everything, it makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed that we had to navigate our way through those feelings. The thoughts of doing it again.... On top of those feelings of heartbreak, there's the added worry that it just might not happen for us. That my eggs and his sperm just aren't meant to make the match that we both want so much.

Sometimes I forget the worry and negativity that usually comes so naturally to me (I wish it didn't!) and I think about "when" we do our FET etc etc. Then I'm jerked back to the reality that a FET is in no way a given, but a dream, the next milestone we have to reach. I just hope it's within our grasp this time.

Two days to go. I hope I can stay sane and not work myself into a mess. All I can do is hope and pray that this time, things will be different.

Waiting is just so hard.

Thursday, 14 July 2016

This is so hard!

Egg collection was Monday and the procedure itself went fine (apart from waking up in the middle of it but they quickly noticed and knocked me back out) but my hormones were through the roof and they ended up getting 20 eggs which was a big shock. These factors combined meant that they weren't happy to do a potential (I say potential because nothing is a given) fresh transfer so we have to go to potential elective freeze.

The cherry on top of this that I have to take Clexane and Cetrotide injections every evening for two weeks and also a tablet that I can't remember the name of. This is to thin my blood to prevent clots and also to try and bring my system back to normal. These injections are really hurting at this stage. At least with stims it was all for a good cause - every injection was bringing us closer and giving us a better chance for more follicles. It's hard to find the silver lining for these and my tummy is just so beat up at this stage that we're just injecting into bruised tissue constantly. Oh well. I can handle the physical side of this...

The mental side on the other hand is a challenge, as I expected it would be. Out of our 20 eggs, 17 were mature and 12 fertilised. This gives us a roughly 71% fertilisation rate, compared to 58% last time. This is the positive that I'm clinging to. Hopefully a higher fertilisation rate in turn means better quality eggs and/or sperm? I don't know if there's any foundation to this but that's what I'm hoping.

I.AM.TERRIFIED of the phone call that we're due to receive on Sunday that will let us know if any of our embryos make it to freeze. All I can do is try to distract myself in the meantime but the worry is constantly there. I feel bad for my poor mother who knows we're doing IVF but I haven't been able to tell her anything that's happened this week (apart from letting her know I'm fine post-collection). I just can't bring myself to talk about it/vocalise it. Luckily she's not very familiar with how the whole thing goes so she possibly doesn't even notice my radio silence on the subject. Please God, please let this be our time. Please let our little embryos stay strong and healthy and please give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way.