Thursday, 31 December 2015

New Year jitters and 2015 reflections

I can't believe 31st December has crept up so quickly. The past couple of days I have been harbouring feelings of anxiety, worry and dread the closer 2016 is getting. I've been trying very hard to push these negative feelings down but when I mentioned to M on Tuesday evening that I was feeling like this, he admitted to feeling the same way to an extent. It feels like....shit's gonna get real in 2016! I know it is so unproductive to allow myself to follow these thought patterns but it's exhausting trying to constantly shut them down - 2016 could be an amazing year for us...or the shit-storm that was 2015 could have been the tip of the iceberg. I am all too aware that things could get so much worse for us. Infertility tries to suck the light out of life and it is an exhausting feat to constantly try and retain some positivity. I feel like I succeeded as best I could in 2015 - that's all I can ask of myself. I kept planning fun activities, I didn't let any two-week-waits affect my plans...I was determined to live my life. However, looking back in spite of my best efforts, that black cloud was always lingering, even during our funnest trips and happiest times. It's hard to fully let go and appreciate the good times when you are so aware that hard times can get harder. 

Wow, this is coming across as a super negative post. On to something more positive - I'd like to reflect on, and make note of, the positive things that I accomplished in 2015 in order to give me something more positive to focus on as I head into 2016:
  • I overcame my fear of needles. I had my first fertility related blood test in January 2015 and I didn't sleep for about a week beforehand. I had to take the rest of the day off work to recover. Over the course of the year, I estimate I've had around 15/20 blood tests and while I'm still not crazy about them, I willing hold out my arm and then get on with life. I have overcome one of my biggest fears and I am very proud of myself for this.
  • I climbed a mountain with my sister that I've had on my bucket list for a few years. 
  • I spent a few days in Poland - a place I've wanted to visit for a very long time. We squeezed so much into our couple of days there and it really was a fantastic weekend.
  • I read A LOT. I've always been a massive bookworm, but over the past few years I had taken to re-reading old favourites and taking my time about it too so I vowed to try different genres of books in 2015 and get as many in as possible and I definitely feel like I accomplished this and I learned a lot as a result.
  • I went to a massive sporting event in another country - this is something that I will remember forever and I'm grateful that I got to experience this with my parents and sister.
  • We got some work done on our house that we had been putting off since we moved in 4 years ago and it has literally changed how we live.
  • I started volunteering with a local organisation that helps people struggling in the community.
  • As a result of our food intolerance tests, we have changed how we eat. While we don't always (ever!) love our diet, there is no doubt that we are healthier now than we were 1 year ago.
I am struggling a little to find resolutions for 2016. I am proud of the resolutions that I stuck to in 2015 and I think something similar to focus on for the coming year would be beneficial. I feel like 2016 starts and ends with IVF (which we got confirmation will go ahead as planned - all our blood tests were normal...finally - something's normal!) This is such an unhealthy attitude but at the same time, how the rest of our year pans out will be somewhat determined by this (rightly or wrongly). Staring down the barrel of 2016 is overwhelming so I think I need to break it down a bit more for myself. To start with: 
  • I'm looking forward to getting back into healthy eating properly after all the excesses of the past week.
  • I spent a nice 30 minutes this morning doing online yoga, so this is something that I would like to do several times a week to try and get some mental clarity and peace..
  • I'll continue reading more, or as much as I managed in 2015.
  • Make a list of pesky little jobs around the house that have been put off and tick our way through them.
  • Be kinder to myself. I need to stop beating myself up for not being good enough/productive enough etc - sometimes it's okay to sit down and just read a book or watch TV after work. 
That's all I've got so far but hopefully it will get me going and set me off into 2016 on a positive note. Right now, I'm still terrified but I guess I have to just keep on keeping on... 

Finally, to end on a positive note - happy 2016 - may it bring peace and happiness to us all.

Saturday, 19 December 2015

We got dumped!

M got the results of his repeat semen analysis yesterday. Our Napro doctor called him to let him to give him the news over the phone. Although there was some improvement, she said it wasn't enough and that they couldn't help us anymore. We completely appreciate their honesty but of course a small (childish) part of me was thinking "we were going to break up with you once we got these results anyway!" Let's be honest, we've  been "estranged" from each other for a while now. I haven't called in with monthly blood results since October and we were only "continuing" with them until we got the results of the analysis.

Nonetheless, it's still a bit disheartening that they feel we're a lost cause - even though we had already decided they couldn't help us. They're not supposed to think that!! When M told Dr. C that we have already come to conclusion that we're going to need ICSI, he was met with radio silence. I guess she doesn't approve! Whatever. We're still very grateful for the advice they gave us over the last 8 months or so but our Napro chapter is now officially closed.
On to the results. I was pretty happy with them I have to say. I feel for M because although he said all along that he expected this, I can tell that he's super disappointed and disheartened. I know that he feels guilty and even a bit useless (his own words) and I wish that I could make him see that it's not the case. I try and try to convince him that none of this is his fault (especially the part that he keeps forgetting - my womb issues) but it falls on deaf ears.

Regardless, we knew we were getting ICSI and there was no way in the world that we would get the kind of improvement that would upgrade us to normal so it was never going to change our plans. Even if they suggest we're suitable for regular IVF, we still want ICSI. We're leaving nothing to chance. Hopefully now though we have slightly more sperm to choose from. Count went up ten times higher to 2  million (still severely low) and the motility and morphology is still extremely poor but I figure 5% of 2 million is a vast improvement on 5% of 190,000. That's after about 6 months of clean eating, post varicocele surgery and a boatload of supplements. Who knows what the results could be in a years time? I don't know why I'm the only one feeling uplifted by this but any movement in the right direction is good news as far as I'm concerned.

Now on to something else that I really can worry about - my phone consultation with Dr. K on Monday, giving us the results of M's genetic testing and the test for the stickiness (?) of my blood. Please God let it be good news that IVF can go ahead in February as planned. I don't think I could handle two clinics breaking up with us in the one week - Santa do your thing and grant my wish PLEASE!

Monday, 14 December 2015

Jealousy - an ugly trait

The past few weeks have been tough for me (maybe us, but M does a good job of hiding it) in terms of pregnancy announcements. Seriously. There have been about 6. I play a lose-lose game with myself constantly of counting how many of our friends, who got married around the same time as us (and before and after - my capacity to torture myself knows no bounds) are still childless. That list is becoming ever smaller and we're now officially down to 4 couples, including ourselves. It instills a sense of panic in me, that we will be the only people left without a baby (EVER). It's so irrational but there you go. I have long since let go of the notion that I am a rational human being.

A couple of the most recent announcements came from couples who have been married for several years. We had been surprised over the years that they didn't have big announcements to make and on separate occasions, both girls had drunkenly bitched to me about how insensitive people were, asking about their plans for children and that you just don't know what is going on in someone's life and that it can be hard for some people (wow - long sentence). Since I've always felt the same, I was able to commiserate/sympathize/bitch right along with them. Now. You would think that this would make me relieved and happy that they're finally expecting? Well, yes it did. I was genuinely very happy for them - especially considering it's entirely possible that they had to go through fertility treatment to get where they are today. That doesn't mean I didn't shed some tears and feel that unpleasant sting of jealousy in my stomach on hearing their news. It's a double-edged sword. Jealousy is a horrible feeling and on top of it, I feel horrendously guilty for feeling that way. It's not a good time.

Then there are the other announcements. Like, the one that popped up on my newsfeed yesterday from another couple we're friends with. Their announcement was in the form of a Christmas decoration, showing their names and their little girl's name and with a blank space and the caption "Exciting times to come!" indicating that their family is about to expand. I read it out to M yesterday and his reaction was "so what - they already have one.." I have to say that while I don't get his logic, I thought I was okay with it but a few minutes later there were tears streaming down my face and I was ugly-crying.

I suppose my point is that it's never easy. No matter what the circumstances, no matter what the couple have done to get there. I don't mind admitting that I find it a little easier to be happy for those who have traveled a hard road to get to where they are. If that makes me a horrible cow - so be it. I'm not proud of my jealousy but it's too prominent an emotion for me right now to ignore it, or pretend it's not there. I need to keep reminding myself of this:

I have so much to be thankful for. I need to keep reminding myself of this...I do a pretty good job most days but some days throw up harder obstacles than others. I just hope that some day I'll be able to offer up thanks for the one thing that I truly want more than anything. In the meantime, we just have to keep on keeping on.

Thursday, 26 November 2015

A good appointment

Today's appointment was very positive. Phew. We were both so worked up yesterday and last night and neither of us knew why...I don't know what we were expecting but whatever negative thoughts plagued us didn't transpire.

The morning was a bit stressful to begin, with us being caught in traffic. We thought 45 minutes would leave us plenty of time to get to the clinic on time and ultimately it did - we pulled up at 8 am exactly but it was touch and go! I think I expected them to turn us away if we arrived late...maybe they'd think we weren't responsible enough for a baby?! How dare we waste their time?! Etc., etc...

We were brought into Dr. K's office and I immediately liked him. He made a great first impression! He was very positive and I don't want to use this word but it's the big one that comes to mind...jolly?! He is also the doctor that features on the video on the clinic website - I decided to go and take that as a sign that he was one of the best on the staff....surely they only let the most important people film those things?! Anyway pending some blood tests, he was quite positive about our situation. He advised us to think of it as a process and like my previous consultant, he warned that we should prepare ourselves for potential losses. However, he said that he has seen women (much older than me) with wombs that he is positive are smaller than mine, go on and have children.

I had a blood test done to check if my blood was sticky (very technical term there) and M has to go back next week for 3 blood tests that check for genetic abnormalities - something which might (but hopefully not) be a cause of his very low count. They are frickin' expensive at €550 but we are sucking it up and doing whatever we're told! I'm pretty sure that's all we need done, given that we went armed with pages and pages of results from the past few months.

We said that we'd like to go ahead in February so in the meantime, we have a phone consultation with him on 21st December, where he'll go through the results of our tests and explain his plan of action for us. He has said it'll be short protocol for me (this doesn't mean a lot to me).

Between now and February, we're going to continue with our healthy eating and supplements. I've decided to knock caffeine on the head (I was still treating myself to the odd de-caff and regular americano) and we're going to try and switch as much of our fruit and veg to organic as we can afford/find. The alcohol situation is a bit more troubling though. I sound like an alcoholic but I just think I will go crazy if I can't drink a thing until February. That would suck so much over Christmas, with all the nights out and long family dinners. Not to mention our trip for my Mum's birthday at the end of January. We don't drink a whole lot anyway...we would maybe share 1 or maximum (the very odd time) 2 bottles of wine over a week. We're not going to cut it out completely because we value our sanity and our ability to remain upbeat and positive (okay, so I don't really have that ability but I could be worse!) too much. We'll only drink red wine and we will keep it to a couple of glasses a week.

Today I feel pumped...BRING.IT.ON!!! Aaaannndddd this day 4 weeks is Christmas Eve - what's not to love!! I'm going to enjoy this good mood while it lasts. A few times today, before I could stop myself and drag myself back to reality, I allowed myself to imagine what could be this time next year, next Christmas...AGGGHHH!!! Please God...please, please, please.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

AMH...A Moment of Hope

Finally we got our first bit of good news since starting our all our testing nearly a year ago. My AMH is at the upper end of the normal scale for my age - PHEW! I am so relieved. My result was 42.1 with the range being 6.8 - 47.8 for my age group. I really, really, really hope this stands to us and that it will give us an edge in helping IVF to work for us. Please God....

Apart from clinging onto that positive note, I am just waiting, waiting, waiting. Tomorrow week is our appointment at the fertility clinic. AF arrived yesterday so I did a little calculation to see when we might be able to start. I'm guessing December will be out since most places close for Christmas and we have a trip planned at the end of January that would probably coincide with important dates so that leaves us in February. It seems like a very long time away but as far as stress levels are concerned, it is probably the best choice since we have a free month with no plans. ALTHOUGH, here I am getting waaaaay ahead of myself!! I'll see what the doctor says next week and try to just live in the present in the meantime....

I am trying very hard to make my mind and my life calmer to help with my anxiety around this whole journey. I'm trying to go out for more walks, I'm doing yoga once or twice a week and keeping up my pilates class. The hardest part of all is keeping my mind calm and it's something I constantly have to remind myself to do - I'm hoping it will get easier because I'm not very good at it so far!

Thursday, 12 November 2015

26th November = all things lady business

Finally I have a specific point in the future to look to, where I will hopefully feel like I am once again being proactive in this sucky, sucky journey.

The big day for our first consultation at the IVF clinic is...26th November! 2 weeks from today. Which coincidentally, is also the 20 year (WTF?! I'm so old!!) anniversary first period!! That might seem very strange that I remember the exact date but for some reason it has always stuck in my head. I hope 26th November 2015 is less traumatic than 26th November 1995....

This week I had my AMH tested so that I'll be able to go to the appointment armed with as much information as possible. No results yet but that's not surprising. My doctor's office (while lovely) aren't in a rush for anything EVER. I am hoping that these results will be the first positive news we'll have gotten since we started down this bumpy road. Fingers, toes and everything crossed...

While I'm relieved we have the appointment set, my brain will not stop whirling with possible start dates for a potential IVF cycle. I am getting so ahead of myself. December won't happen because it'll be too close to Christmas, so maybe January? But I have so much on in will the excesses of the Christmas season affect my physical health and the likelihood of treatment working? Am I overthinking this? Probably. Do I need to calm down? Definitely. I just want to give this the best possible shot I can. Of course it's not obligatory to go over the top at Christmas but I imagine it will be hard to stick to my gluten/dairy/egg/alcohol free plan over the holidays so this is weighing on my mind. Also? I don't want to stick religiously to the crappy diet - I LOVE Christmas and I'm so looking forward to a break from work and spending time with my family and friends. How much of a difference would it really make? Okay this starting to read like the frantic thoughts of a crazy person - I need to chill out a bit and focus on the now. Easier said than done but as ever, I'm trying! Time for yoga...and more waiting.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015


So those two days I was so worried about weren't so bad. First of all, we didn't know anybody at the open morning - everyone seemed very nice and of course, we were all there for the same unfortunate reason. Even though I can't say I learned anything new (thanks to my incessant googling of the past couple of years), I found the whole experience to be very helpful and positive. We definitely want to move ahead with a consultation and I've just finished our online application so hopefully they'll set up an appointment for us soon and we can really get the ball rolling.

Yesterday's appointment with my consultant didn't shed any more light but again, it was quite positive. He said he still doesn't know what to do for me. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to help and gave us a lot of "off the record" advice regarding embarking down the road of IVF/ICSI. He seemed to have a bit more hope for me than he had at the last appointment but although this was very positive - I'm not sure I should let myself "relax" into that hope (for want of a better phrase) since he contradicted himself a bit. I'm not convinced he fully remembered our previous conversation. Oh well. The bottom line is, M and I both came out of the meeting with renewed hope and positivity which built upon the foundation laid by our positive experience the previous day at the fertility clinic.

Every day is different for me however, and today I struggled a bit to maintain that positivity. I think it had something to do with dreaming last night, that I was stuck in a room with every pregnant person I know (there have been 3 announcements in the last week alone, which I have found extremely difficult!) Tomorrow is another day though! And now that our application form is with the fertility clinic, all we have to do is...wait.

Saturday, 31 October 2015

A big couple of days ahead

This pretty sums up the way my head is working right now....

I feel like the past few weeks have been a limbo leading up a big crescendo....Monday is the meeting with the surgeon who thinks nothing can be done for me. Even though I have my head and emotions as prepared as I can be for him to confirm what he said previously (that surgery won't be fix my problem and that I'll most likely suffer several miscarriages before I hopefully, please God, carry a baby close enough to term to survive), I'm still terrified about this meeting. I'm afraid he won't have any answers, and I'm equally afraid that he will. That doesn't even make sense but this is unfortunately how my overactive mind is working....exhausting!! I'm also afraid I'll get emotional (again) and not be in a fit state to go back to work after. My boss has been really kind and accommodating of all my appointments, without prying in any way and I want to respect that as much as I can by not taking too long off.

Before I even get to the Monday meeting, we have our IVF open morning tomorrow in the fertility clinic. I don't know why I'm nervous about this but I am for many reasons...

  1. What if we meet people we know?
  2. What if they tell us that we won't be candidates for IVF, with so many issues going against us?
  3. What if they tell us we are? Then I have to get ready for an immensely difficult few months/years ahead.
  4. What if IVF doesn't work?

These questions float around my brain constantly and then I try to answer myself....

  1. Who cares? If we do - they're there for the same reason. If we meet friends, we can share how crappy it is to be in this situation. If we meet acquaintances, we smile and hope that we can both mutually agree that this is a private issue that shouldn't be discussed with people outside.
  2. We try somewhere else and keep going until we get the yes we've been looking for so long.
  3. We're thankful that someone is willing to help us chase our dream and we look forward with hope and gratitude that we have a chance to finally have a shot at a pregnancy (please God).
  4. That's a bridge I have to cross at a later time - there's only so much worry and anxiety one little mind can handle at a time!

Basically......I need to calm down! I have a long to-do list today and am planning a night in front of the fire later so hopefully it will help to take my mind off things. I just can't shake the feeling that so much is hanging on the outcome of the next few days and whatever happens could potentially change our lives....dramatic much?!

As my mum says - "stop meeting trouble halfway". I need to keep reminding myself of this and try to trust that everything will be okay...

Friday, 23 October 2015

Kick us while we're down!

So we've had yet more bad news this week and it's gotten to the stage where we just don't know where it's going to end... It feels like every time we do a new test, or ask a question, the result is always something bad.

M got the results of the last semen analysis he did - this was after about 4.5 months of super healthy eating, a varicocele surgery and hundreds and hundreds of euro worth of supplements (that made him gag every.single.morning.). The results were worse than before. This is just so incredibly frustrating. What's almost worse is we had to chase the doctor for the results and in the end the receptionist emailed a copy of the report over! After doing everything they asked of us, spending all the money on the test and the consultations, the doctor wouldn't even have the grace to pick up the phone and talk him through them?! It makes me so angry...I feel the rage building up in me just thinking about it!

When will it stop? Will it ever stop? Or are we just going to get NO after NO until we finally give up and resign ourselves to living childless? That is just such a scary thought and I'm nowhere near ready to start entertaining it... Life feels very scary right now. I just hope we have enough sperm for an ICSI and given our multitude of problems, the next worry on my (long) list is that the fertility clinic won't even want to treat us. Please God don't let that be our next no...I feel like my heart just can't handle this!

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Ode to Mums

My parents migrate south for the winter since their retirement and I took their leaving very heard this time. I just got off the phone with my mum and in spite of having shed a few tears earlier this afternoon, I feel better already. We just chatted about random non-fertility related things but it is just good to be in touch.

I have been so pleasantly surprised by how great my mum has been since I've filled her in on our goings on of late. I don't know why but I expected her to question our decisions or play down our heartache somewhat. I put off telling her anything specific for a long time because I envisioned myself getting angry (what's new there!!) and feeling like I had to justify my decisions. I'm actually ashamed of how little credit I gave her - I can't understand what I was thinking!! She was so supportive from the get-go and I am just so grateful.

She is unobtrusive and will send me a text message if she knows I have something coming up on a certain day but will avoid actually calling me and instead, just waiting for me to call her to share. Which of course I always do - it's been such a huge weight off my shoulders to feel like I have someone else in my corner (apart from M, of course). She is happy to sit and listen and offer and endless supply of love and hugs. My dad is great too of course - in the silent way that dads are great...I can't imagine discussing the state of my womb with my dad so I wouldn't have it any other way!

Since I'm on the topic of mums, I won't let this opportunity go without a shout-out to my mother-in-law. M is her only married child and she has no grandchildren so I'm sure she is waiting with bated breath for some happy news from us. If I was her, I would be!! However, she has never once so much as hinted that she'd like some grandchildren and could we please hurry the eff up, thank you very much. And for that I am grateful too!

I really hope I get to repay the universe someday by having the opportunity to be the best and most supportive mum I can be. I have a lot to live up to!

Saturday, 17 October 2015

Another roadblock

I'm just going to skip over the fact that I have once again broken my own commitment to blog regularly and get straight to the bad news....

It all started with the hysteroscopy. I was very nervous prior and had to insert two cytotec tablets as close to my cervix as possible the night before. For the first half hour/hour I thought maybe I hadn't done it right as I wasn't feeling anything as I drifted off to sleep....well I must say I had a fabulous 45 minutes of sleep before I woke up practically scratching the mattress in pain. That was the end of that...I was up all night with horrendous pain but I managed to be a big girl and not wake M up to make him experience it with me - I am definitely getting less selfish!! Go me.

I felt better the next morning (lovely painkillers fortified with codeine...) so off we went! It all started off very well and my consultant, who had seemed a bit grumpy and not very personable the last time, was in great form and made me laugh several times in an effort to get rid of my nerves. The procedure itself was quite uncomfortable but not unbearable and it was over quickly. The real pain came after when we sat down to have a little chat...

As far as he can tell from the MRI photos and the hysteroscopy, I'm not a candidate for surgery and he doesn't want to put me through it without a good chance of a positive outcome - something which he doesn't see as being possible. He diagnosed me with a uterus didelphys (basically a double uterus). Most people who have this condition (we are a distinct minority) have two cervixes but I only have one - I feel so special!! Not really. Unfortunately the larger part of my uterus is blocked, with no access. This means that I can only get pregnant in the small part. This is very bad news because basically I will need to have several miscarriages to stretch my womb naturally and the hope is that eventually it will be stretched enough to maintain a pregnancy to around 30 weeks. As I sat there listening to this (M was still in the waiting room and I wish they would have had the foresight to have asked him in for this) I tried hard not to cry but I failed miserably... I was absolutely devastated. This would be bad enough but we can't even get pregnant on our own so basically we need to have IVF (with ICSI) in order to get pregnant, pray it works...and then...well, wait for the pregnancy to end prematurely. It is hard to comprehend how it would be possible to even cope with this kind of pain - repeatedly.

So the past week and a half has been filled much pain, sadness and tears. I do feel like I'm coming out the other side somewhat and trying to focus on the positives in the situation - mainly this is that we can afford to do a few rounds of IVF. And we pray to God that we won't have to but I just feel so grateful that money is not something that will be stopping us from doing everything we can to overcome this and have the baby we both want so much.

We have a follow up meeting with our consultant in about two weeks - in the meantime he is meeting with his doctor buddies and seeing if they can come up with any suggestions for me. He did ask me to prepare myself emotionally for bad news, which I have done. I just don't know where my capacity to accept more and more bad news ends! I am afraid to keep going to find out. I just really hope that we will get some good news soon - it must be nearly our turn!!

In the meantime, we are waiting for the results of a follow up semen analysis to see if our vitamin binging, healthy eating and varicocele surgery have had a positive result. We have also signed up to an IVF open day in a local(ish) clinic to see if we can get the ball rolling on that. Onwards and upwards I guess...

Sunday, 27 September 2015


Annnd we're away!! MRI = tick!! The show is officially on the road....

The MRI itself went was noisy and a little more claustrophobic than I thought it would be but I was proud of myself that I managed to swallow my nerves and panic and just relax through it. My doctor should have the images that were taken by now but I imagine he is far too busy and important to trouble himself to reveal anything to me until absolutely necessary. I wait with bated breath!

Apart from that I have just been celebrating being off the antibiotics with a few glasses of wine and plenty of forbidden foods. The diet is getting back on track tomorrow though. Then in 1.5 weeks, it's on to the hysteroscopy...and then...WHO KNOWS?! Exciting times ahead!

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

And so the poking and prodding begins...

Tomorrow kicks off what will be the first of several (very specific number there..) procedures that I'll be having with my new consultant to ultimately determine what kind of surgery he wants to do on me. We're easing in gently with an MRI scan so strictly speaking, no poking and prodding (I hope?) yet. I've never had one before so I'm a little apprehensive but also excited to get this show on the road!!

After this, I have a hysteroscopy in two weeks. This is going to be done with NO ANESTHESIA! This excites and scares me. I am not good with general anesthetics...I get pukey/pass-outty (when I'm not supposed to be passed out, I mean) etc and generally cause much drama.

Not much else to say about that since I don't know how it's all going to go down but I will pull my blogging socks up and start writing more frequently. I hope to one day read back on this with gratitude that it's all over and that it was all worthwhile (knock wood!!)

Today marks Day 1 off of the antibiotics that M and I have both had to take for the past few weeks on account of my brown bleeding (sorry). I've had this problem for years and doctors have told me it's normal blah, blah, blah but clearly it's not!! So thank you Napro for prescribing these rotten tablets to us...that sounds sarcastic but I'm being sincere. I am cautiously optimistic that they worked as there has been a massive improvement in that department in the last week. Once we hit 48 hours post-last-antibiotic, we will be getting our wine on - I can't wait!


Friday, 7 August 2015


Anger is something that I have been dealing with a lot lately. I don't just mean the obvious type of anger that I'm in this situation and the unfairness of it all (although that is a major factor here), but I have been flying off the handle at the slightest thing.

I know it's likely that all this is feeding from my subconscious, which is angry at infertility, but it is coming out ALL THE TIME. When I'm driving, God forbid someone should get in my way, drive too slowly in front of me, block an exit, sit in a yellow box etc etc. This anger doesn't tend to up and leave me when I'm out of the situation either. Even when I'm back at home, sitting on the couch or making the dinner, just the thought of someone's inconsiderateness will churn that old feeling up in my stomach until I feel like I want to scream.

In work the other day a colleague made a mistake and when I (gently) pointed it out (she was going to Fedex important documents to the wrong address), she got into a strop and was pretty rude to me. Of course I took this personally and was filled with rage at how she would DARE to imply that this was somehow MY fault. I thought about it all night and the next day when I got into work, it was as if nothing had happened (which is normal - it was a tiny thing!) but in my head the two of us had gone to war.

This kind of anger used to visit me about once a month, a day or two before my period would arrive. When I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach and took stock of the situation and realised that my anger was misplaced, I knew that I'd be getting a visitor in the next couple of days. Weird PMS symptom perhaps, but it was like clockwork for me.

Now, however, I feel like this anger rarely leaves me. It's exhausting. I hate how unreasonable I've become. Even though I try to think it through and remind myself that I'm being entirely irrational, more often than not it's too hard to swallow it down and allow rational thinking in again. I need to come up with some kind of relaxation technique to find my zen. I used to be a big fan of yoga so maybe it's time to revisit that as a potential solution. Either way, I need to do something to stop myself from turning into a bitter old cow as I fear that's where I'll be headed if I don't get a hold on this...

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

A weekend off infertility

Myself and M went away for a night this weekend and while the hotel wasn't everything it was cracked up to be, I decided on a long overdue cheat weekend and cheat I did so I would call that a success. I had my first hazelnut latte in about 2 months and it was everything I hoped it would be!!

 I also drank much wine (though I haven't exactly given that up but I didn't count my glasses like I usually would),

ate non-gluten-free sausages, bread and hash browns and the piece de resistance.... a massive chocolate brownie, mint ice-cream and whipped cream. It.Was.Unreal! I didn't even get the guilts after it so win-win! No pictures of the food since the waiter barely got a chance to put the plate down in front of me before it was hoovered up.

I'm not sure when my next cheat will be but it takes some of the sting out of the arrival of AF to know that a small cheat is allowed. I'm thinking pizza might be on the agenda's the small things! Sigh.

Thursday, 30 July 2015


We are currently attempting to expand our family of two using Napro technology. Find out more about that here. However, given that we are dealing with severe MFI (in addition to my own problems - we've been hit twice!) we are remaining realistic about the possibility (probability?) of needing IVF at some stage in the future.

Napro is all about finding the problem and fixing it. They're big into food intolerances and one of the first things we did was take a test to see if what we were putting into our bodies might be having an effect. It turns out that we are intolerant to A LOT. Especially my poor husband...his results were the worst our doctor had ever seen. Turns out he's nearly intolerant to everything! I'm luckier in that I'm "just" intolerant to eggs, dairy and gluten (so just the fun stuff). This knocked us for 6 and has been very difficult. We feel like we're doing pretty well and I've found some good recipes to try out but we definitely have our frustrated days where we just want to eat a block of cheese melted all over a big chunk of bread, followed by a whole chocolate cake. So far so good though and we are allowed to treat ourselves occasionally. Sigh...

We also have to take many, many vitamins and supplements. As in we spend around 1/10th of our salaries a month just on vitamins. That mightn't sound like is! We are hoping with everything we have that it's doing something positive for us.

We're having a semen analysis recheck in a couple of months so that'll be let us know if our hard work and effort has made any difference. We've been warned not to expect to get up to "normal" levels but I, at least, can't help but hope. If there's no difference then we need to sit down and seriously consider moving straight over to IVF (most likely with ICSI).

I also have an appointment coming up with a consultant to talk about my third possible laparoscopy. This doesn't thrill me but if it'll help us...I'll take it with open arms.

Apart from all the above fun, I also get monthly blood tests to see what my hormones are doing. As someone with a severe phobia of needles, this didn't start off so smoothly but I'm getting better with every passing month. I no longer cry! Win! For me and the poor doctor who has to look at me. To help my hormones along, I take Lexatrole (Femara equivalent as far as I know) on CD3 and then move over to progesterone supplementation during my luteal phase.

We've found this to be a tough journey and unfortunately we're only at the start of it. Napro ask that you give 18 months to achieve a pregnancy and the thoughts of this being our reality for another year is somewhat overwhelming at times. However, we're doing our best to take things one day at a time some weeks are (much) better than others. Our second biggest goal from this (a baby being the first), is to not let it stop us from living our lives. This can be difficult since it is an expensive process but we are certainly doing our best on that front.

On that's Thursday, which means it's nearly Friday which means it's practically the weekend and we have plenty of fun planned so things are looking up already!

Monday, 27 July 2015

Here goes nothing!

Well, it's a big day - my first blog post! I've been wanting to do this for quite a while and I admit that I have been somewhat (majorly...) of a blog lurker for the past few months. Reading others' blogs has helped me to remember that I'm not alone out there in the big, bad world of infertility. I mean, of course I'm not alone - I have a wonderful husband who supports me more than I probably deserve, given my crazy moods and tendencies to lash out irrationally at times. 

We haven't told anyone IRL about our struggles but I think some close family and friends may have guessed at this stage that our stork has taken the scenic route to us. My husband thinks I read too much into things and others don't analyse as much as I do but I'm sure there are some question marks hanging over us all the same! 

Because we're dealing with both male and female factor infertility, it makes things a little thing seems to get fixed and then another breaks, or so it seems to us. I'll go more into our specific problems in a later post but for right now I just wanted to get the show on the road....

I hope I enjoy writing as much as I've enjoyed reading!