Thursday, 26 November 2015

A good appointment

Today's appointment was very positive. Phew. We were both so worked up yesterday and last night and neither of us knew why...I don't know what we were expecting but whatever negative thoughts plagued us didn't transpire.

The morning was a bit stressful to begin, with us being caught in traffic. We thought 45 minutes would leave us plenty of time to get to the clinic on time and ultimately it did - we pulled up at 8 am exactly but it was touch and go! I think I expected them to turn us away if we arrived late...maybe they'd think we weren't responsible enough for a baby?! How dare we waste their time?! Etc., etc...

We were brought into Dr. K's office and I immediately liked him. He made a great first impression! He was very positive and I don't want to use this word but it's the big one that comes to mind...jolly?! He is also the doctor that features on the video on the clinic website - I decided to go and take that as a sign that he was one of the best on the staff....surely they only let the most important people film those things?! Anyway pending some blood tests, he was quite positive about our situation. He advised us to think of it as a process and like my previous consultant, he warned that we should prepare ourselves for potential losses. However, he said that he has seen women (much older than me) with wombs that he is positive are smaller than mine, go on and have children.

I had a blood test done to check if my blood was sticky (very technical term there) and M has to go back next week for 3 blood tests that check for genetic abnormalities - something which might (but hopefully not) be a cause of his very low count. They are frickin' expensive at €550 but we are sucking it up and doing whatever we're told! I'm pretty sure that's all we need done, given that we went armed with pages and pages of results from the past few months.

We said that we'd like to go ahead in February so in the meantime, we have a phone consultation with him on 21st December, where he'll go through the results of our tests and explain his plan of action for us. He has said it'll be short protocol for me (this doesn't mean a lot to me).

Between now and February, we're going to continue with our healthy eating and supplements. I've decided to knock caffeine on the head (I was still treating myself to the odd de-caff and regular americano) and we're going to try and switch as much of our fruit and veg to organic as we can afford/find. The alcohol situation is a bit more troubling though. I sound like an alcoholic but I just think I will go crazy if I can't drink a thing until February. That would suck so much over Christmas, with all the nights out and long family dinners. Not to mention our trip for my Mum's birthday at the end of January. We don't drink a whole lot anyway...we would maybe share 1 or maximum (the very odd time) 2 bottles of wine over a week. We're not going to cut it out completely because we value our sanity and our ability to remain upbeat and positive (okay, so I don't really have that ability but I could be worse!) too much. We'll only drink red wine and we will keep it to a couple of glasses a week.

Today I feel pumped...BRING.IT.ON!!! Aaaannndddd this day 4 weeks is Christmas Eve - what's not to love!! I'm going to enjoy this good mood while it lasts. A few times today, before I could stop myself and drag myself back to reality, I allowed myself to imagine what could be this time next year, next Christmas...AGGGHHH!!! Please God...please, please, please.

Wednesday, 18 November 2015

AMH...A Moment of Hope

Finally we got our first bit of good news since starting our all our testing nearly a year ago. My AMH is at the upper end of the normal scale for my age - PHEW! I am so relieved. My result was 42.1 with the range being 6.8 - 47.8 for my age group. I really, really, really hope this stands to us and that it will give us an edge in helping IVF to work for us. Please God....

Apart from clinging onto that positive note, I am just waiting, waiting, waiting. Tomorrow week is our appointment at the fertility clinic. AF arrived yesterday so I did a little calculation to see when we might be able to start. I'm guessing December will be out since most places close for Christmas and we have a trip planned at the end of January that would probably coincide with important dates so that leaves us in February. It seems like a very long time away but as far as stress levels are concerned, it is probably the best choice since we have a free month with no plans. ALTHOUGH, here I am getting waaaaay ahead of myself!! I'll see what the doctor says next week and try to just live in the present in the meantime....

I am trying very hard to make my mind and my life calmer to help with my anxiety around this whole journey. I'm trying to go out for more walks, I'm doing yoga once or twice a week and keeping up my pilates class. The hardest part of all is keeping my mind calm and it's something I constantly have to remind myself to do - I'm hoping it will get easier because I'm not very good at it so far!

Thursday, 12 November 2015

26th November = all things lady business

Finally I have a specific point in the future to look to, where I will hopefully feel like I am once again being proactive in this sucky, sucky journey.

The big day for our first consultation at the IVF clinic is...26th November! 2 weeks from today. Which coincidentally, is also the 20 year (WTF?! I'm so old!!) anniversary first period!! That might seem very strange that I remember the exact date but for some reason it has always stuck in my head. I hope 26th November 2015 is less traumatic than 26th November 1995....

This week I had my AMH tested so that I'll be able to go to the appointment armed with as much information as possible. No results yet but that's not surprising. My doctor's office (while lovely) aren't in a rush for anything EVER. I am hoping that these results will be the first positive news we'll have gotten since we started down this bumpy road. Fingers, toes and everything crossed...

While I'm relieved we have the appointment set, my brain will not stop whirling with possible start dates for a potential IVF cycle. I am getting so ahead of myself. December won't happen because it'll be too close to Christmas, so maybe January? But I have so much on in will the excesses of the Christmas season affect my physical health and the likelihood of treatment working? Am I overthinking this? Probably. Do I need to calm down? Definitely. I just want to give this the best possible shot I can. Of course it's not obligatory to go over the top at Christmas but I imagine it will be hard to stick to my gluten/dairy/egg/alcohol free plan over the holidays so this is weighing on my mind. Also? I don't want to stick religiously to the crappy diet - I LOVE Christmas and I'm so looking forward to a break from work and spending time with my family and friends. How much of a difference would it really make? Okay this starting to read like the frantic thoughts of a crazy person - I need to chill out a bit and focus on the now. Easier said than done but as ever, I'm trying! Time for yoga...and more waiting.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015


So those two days I was so worried about weren't so bad. First of all, we didn't know anybody at the open morning - everyone seemed very nice and of course, we were all there for the same unfortunate reason. Even though I can't say I learned anything new (thanks to my incessant googling of the past couple of years), I found the whole experience to be very helpful and positive. We definitely want to move ahead with a consultation and I've just finished our online application so hopefully they'll set up an appointment for us soon and we can really get the ball rolling.

Yesterday's appointment with my consultant didn't shed any more light but again, it was quite positive. He said he still doesn't know what to do for me. He seemed like he genuinely wanted to help and gave us a lot of "off the record" advice regarding embarking down the road of IVF/ICSI. He seemed to have a bit more hope for me than he had at the last appointment but although this was very positive - I'm not sure I should let myself "relax" into that hope (for want of a better phrase) since he contradicted himself a bit. I'm not convinced he fully remembered our previous conversation. Oh well. The bottom line is, M and I both came out of the meeting with renewed hope and positivity which built upon the foundation laid by our positive experience the previous day at the fertility clinic.

Every day is different for me however, and today I struggled a bit to maintain that positivity. I think it had something to do with dreaming last night, that I was stuck in a room with every pregnant person I know (there have been 3 announcements in the last week alone, which I have found extremely difficult!) Tomorrow is another day though! And now that our application form is with the fertility clinic, all we have to do is...wait.