Saturday, 31 October 2015

A big couple of days ahead

This pretty sums up the way my head is working right now....

I feel like the past few weeks have been a limbo leading up a big crescendo....Monday is the meeting with the surgeon who thinks nothing can be done for me. Even though I have my head and emotions as prepared as I can be for him to confirm what he said previously (that surgery won't be fix my problem and that I'll most likely suffer several miscarriages before I hopefully, please God, carry a baby close enough to term to survive), I'm still terrified about this meeting. I'm afraid he won't have any answers, and I'm equally afraid that he will. That doesn't even make sense but this is unfortunately how my overactive mind is working....exhausting!! I'm also afraid I'll get emotional (again) and not be in a fit state to go back to work after. My boss has been really kind and accommodating of all my appointments, without prying in any way and I want to respect that as much as I can by not taking too long off.

Before I even get to the Monday meeting, we have our IVF open morning tomorrow in the fertility clinic. I don't know why I'm nervous about this but I am for many reasons...

  1. What if we meet people we know?
  2. What if they tell us that we won't be candidates for IVF, with so many issues going against us?
  3. What if they tell us we are? Then I have to get ready for an immensely difficult few months/years ahead.
  4. What if IVF doesn't work?

These questions float around my brain constantly and then I try to answer myself....

  1. Who cares? If we do - they're there for the same reason. If we meet friends, we can share how crappy it is to be in this situation. If we meet acquaintances, we smile and hope that we can both mutually agree that this is a private issue that shouldn't be discussed with people outside.
  2. We try somewhere else and keep going until we get the yes we've been looking for so long.
  3. We're thankful that someone is willing to help us chase our dream and we look forward with hope and gratitude that we have a chance to finally have a shot at a pregnancy (please God).
  4. That's a bridge I have to cross at a later time - there's only so much worry and anxiety one little mind can handle at a time!

Basically......I need to calm down! I have a long to-do list today and am planning a night in front of the fire later so hopefully it will help to take my mind off things. I just can't shake the feeling that so much is hanging on the outcome of the next few days and whatever happens could potentially change our lives....dramatic much?!

As my mum says - "stop meeting trouble halfway". I need to keep reminding myself of this and try to trust that everything will be okay...

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