Monday, 14 December 2015

Jealousy - an ugly trait

The past few weeks have been tough for me (maybe us, but M does a good job of hiding it) in terms of pregnancy announcements. Seriously. There have been about 6. I play a lose-lose game with myself constantly of counting how many of our friends, who got married around the same time as us (and before and after - my capacity to torture myself knows no bounds) are still childless. That list is becoming ever smaller and we're now officially down to 4 couples, including ourselves. It instills a sense of panic in me, that we will be the only people left without a baby (EVER). It's so irrational but there you go. I have long since let go of the notion that I am a rational human being.

A couple of the most recent announcements came from couples who have been married for several years. We had been surprised over the years that they didn't have big announcements to make and on separate occasions, both girls had drunkenly bitched to me about how insensitive people were, asking about their plans for children and that you just don't know what is going on in someone's life and that it can be hard for some people (wow - long sentence). Since I've always felt the same, I was able to commiserate/sympathize/bitch right along with them. Now. You would think that this would make me relieved and happy that they're finally expecting? Well, yes it did. I was genuinely very happy for them - especially considering it's entirely possible that they had to go through fertility treatment to get where they are today. That doesn't mean I didn't shed some tears and feel that unpleasant sting of jealousy in my stomach on hearing their news. It's a double-edged sword. Jealousy is a horrible feeling and on top of it, I feel horrendously guilty for feeling that way. It's not a good time.

Then there are the other announcements. Like, the one that popped up on my newsfeed yesterday from another couple we're friends with. Their announcement was in the form of a Christmas decoration, showing their names and their little girl's name and with a blank space and the caption "Exciting times to come!" indicating that their family is about to expand. I read it out to M yesterday and his reaction was "so what - they already have one.." I have to say that while I don't get his logic, I thought I was okay with it but a few minutes later there were tears streaming down my face and I was ugly-crying.

I suppose my point is that it's never easy. No matter what the circumstances, no matter what the couple have done to get there. I don't mind admitting that I find it a little easier to be happy for those who have traveled a hard road to get to where they are. If that makes me a horrible cow - so be it. I'm not proud of my jealousy but it's too prominent an emotion for me right now to ignore it, or pretend it's not there. I need to keep reminding myself of this:

I have so much to be thankful for. I need to keep reminding myself of this...I do a pretty good job most days but some days throw up harder obstacles than others. I just hope that some day I'll be able to offer up thanks for the one thing that I truly want more than anything. In the meantime, we just have to keep on keeping on.

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