Thursday, 31 December 2015

New Year jitters and 2015 reflections

I can't believe 31st December has crept up so quickly. The past couple of days I have been harbouring feelings of anxiety, worry and dread the closer 2016 is getting. I've been trying very hard to push these negative feelings down but when I mentioned to M on Tuesday evening that I was feeling like this, he admitted to feeling the same way to an extent. It feels like....shit's gonna get real in 2016! I know it is so unproductive to allow myself to follow these thought patterns but it's exhausting trying to constantly shut them down - 2016 could be an amazing year for us...or the shit-storm that was 2015 could have been the tip of the iceberg. I am all too aware that things could get so much worse for us. Infertility tries to suck the light out of life and it is an exhausting feat to constantly try and retain some positivity. I feel like I succeeded as best I could in 2015 - that's all I can ask of myself. I kept planning fun activities, I didn't let any two-week-waits affect my plans...I was determined to live my life. However, looking back in spite of my best efforts, that black cloud was always lingering, even during our funnest trips and happiest times. It's hard to fully let go and appreciate the good times when you are so aware that hard times can get harder. 

Wow, this is coming across as a super negative post. On to something more positive - I'd like to reflect on, and make note of, the positive things that I accomplished in 2015 in order to give me something more positive to focus on as I head into 2016:
  • I overcame my fear of needles. I had my first fertility related blood test in January 2015 and I didn't sleep for about a week beforehand. I had to take the rest of the day off work to recover. Over the course of the year, I estimate I've had around 15/20 blood tests and while I'm still not crazy about them, I willing hold out my arm and then get on with life. I have overcome one of my biggest fears and I am very proud of myself for this.
  • I climbed a mountain with my sister that I've had on my bucket list for a few years. 
  • I spent a few days in Poland - a place I've wanted to visit for a very long time. We squeezed so much into our couple of days there and it really was a fantastic weekend.
  • I read A LOT. I've always been a massive bookworm, but over the past few years I had taken to re-reading old favourites and taking my time about it too so I vowed to try different genres of books in 2015 and get as many in as possible and I definitely feel like I accomplished this and I learned a lot as a result.
  • I went to a massive sporting event in another country - this is something that I will remember forever and I'm grateful that I got to experience this with my parents and sister.
  • We got some work done on our house that we had been putting off since we moved in 4 years ago and it has literally changed how we live.
  • I started volunteering with a local organisation that helps people struggling in the community.
  • As a result of our food intolerance tests, we have changed how we eat. While we don't always (ever!) love our diet, there is no doubt that we are healthier now than we were 1 year ago.
I am struggling a little to find resolutions for 2016. I am proud of the resolutions that I stuck to in 2015 and I think something similar to focus on for the coming year would be beneficial. I feel like 2016 starts and ends with IVF (which we got confirmation will go ahead as planned - all our blood tests were normal...finally - something's normal!) This is such an unhealthy attitude but at the same time, how the rest of our year pans out will be somewhat determined by this (rightly or wrongly). Staring down the barrel of 2016 is overwhelming so I think I need to break it down a bit more for myself. To start with: 
  • I'm looking forward to getting back into healthy eating properly after all the excesses of the past week.
  • I spent a nice 30 minutes this morning doing online yoga, so this is something that I would like to do several times a week to try and get some mental clarity and peace..
  • I'll continue reading more, or as much as I managed in 2015.
  • Make a list of pesky little jobs around the house that have been put off and tick our way through them.
  • Be kinder to myself. I need to stop beating myself up for not being good enough/productive enough etc - sometimes it's okay to sit down and just read a book or watch TV after work. 
That's all I've got so far but hopefully it will get me going and set me off into 2016 on a positive note. Right now, I'm still terrified but I guess I have to just keep on keeping on... 

Finally, to end on a positive note - happy 2016 - may it bring peace and happiness to us all.

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