The elephant in the room

I've read a lot of lists of what not to say to infertile people over the last few years but one I heard on Sunday really takes the biscuit for me...

We had our parents over for lunch and my mother in law was telling my mum about her sister who invites her whole extended family to dinner every Sunday (grandkids, kids, partners etc). She said how it was different for her because none of her children were married...well, at that we all burst out laughing given that her son and daughter in law were sitting across from her! It was funny and not an uncommon faux pas for her to make (in the most loving way possible, she's a little ditzy!)

However, she proceeded to correct herself by clarifying that she meant she has no grandchildren so we're not really....and then trailed off. M laughed again and said "so we're not really married?!" This is of course not what she meant and she would in no way want to cause any offence. Argh...the pain of that throwaway remark....that fact! I had to stare into my plate of food for about a minute before my eyes cleared enough and the lump disappeared from my throat. For what felt like an eternity it felt like (to me only I'm sure) there was a giant elephant in the room!

I wish we could give her a grandchild and I wish we could give my parents one (or two but let's not get greedy!) more. All we can do is hope, hope, hope. In the meantime, I'm still waiting for the elephant that only I can see, to leave the room!

FET in motion

I spoke to one of the nurses at our clinic yesterday and to my surprise, she was able to book in our FET there and then! She said they book up quite quickly (it sounds like a hairdressers!) so she would put my name down to make sure I got my slot. So we settled on 27th October. It's a long way to go but I feel really good about it. And "asap" would have been maybe two weeks before. The way it falls, I'm planning on taking two days off from work and because it's a holiday weekend, I'll be off for 5 full days.

I was so hyper after the call...I still don't know why! I think I was excited. I AM excited. It's huge (this is me attempting to remain level headed and calm!). I'm trying not to think too far beyond what will (hopefully) happen after 27th October but for the moment, I'm going to enjoy feeling positive. We have a great few weeks ahead, with trips and a holiday so for the first time in a while, I'm going to focus on just enjoying life!

A battle won!

After days of anxiety and tears, the call we'd been waiting for came at 9.30 this morning - we have two frozen blasts! We are beyond happy and grateful. On top of that, the embryologist said that they look really good. One was hatching and one was expanding (off to Google now to read more about that!)

Today is a celebration for us. We are just so relieved. I feel physically lighter and my mind feels freer than it has in such a long time. We have long journey ahead of us still but this such a great victory for us! Even if these little blasts don't result in our long-awaited baby, we know now that we are capable of creating blasts, which in itself feels a massive result.

Now, it's time to celebrate and....relax!

Thank you God!!!

This is what worried looks like

Two days until we get the phone call I've been dreading since the 6th March - i.e. the last day that we got such a phone call. Waiting is just so hard! So much of this crappy journey is made up of waiting and I don't think my patience has gotten any better with all the practice I've had.

I am terrified of how I will feel and how I will react if we are once again left with nothing. I know I'll cope because there's no other choice, but I don't want to. When I think back to a couple of months ago when we went through everything, it makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed that we had to navigate our way through those feelings. The thoughts of doing it again.... On top of those feelings of heartbreak, there's the added worry that it just might not happen for us. That my eggs and his sperm just aren't meant to make the match that we both want so much.

Sometimes I forget the worry and negativity that usually comes so naturally to me (I wish it didn't!) and I think about "when" we do our FET etc etc. Then I'm jerked back to the reality that a FET is in no way a given, but a dream, the next milestone we have to reach. I just hope it's within our grasp this time.

Two days to go. I hope I can stay sane and not work myself into a mess. All I can do is hope and pray that this time, things will be different.

Waiting is just so hard.

This is so hard!

Egg collection was Monday and the procedure itself went fine (apart from waking up in the middle of it but they quickly noticed and knocked me back out) but my hormones were through the roof and they ended up getting 20 eggs which was a big shock. These factors combined meant that they weren't happy to do a potential (I say potential because nothing is a given) fresh transfer so we have to go to potential elective freeze.

The cherry on top of this that I have to take Clexane and Cetrotide injections every evening for two weeks and also a tablet that I can't remember the name of. This is to thin my blood to prevent clots and also to try and bring my system back to normal. These injections are really hurting at this stage. At least with stims it was all for a good cause - every injection was bringing us closer and giving us a better chance for more follicles. It's hard to find the silver lining for these and my tummy is just so beat up at this stage that we're just injecting into bruised tissue constantly. Oh well. I can handle the physical side of this...

The mental side on the other hand is a challenge, as I expected it would be. Out of our 20 eggs, 17 were mature and 12 fertilised. This gives us a roughly 71% fertilisation rate, compared to 58% last time. This is the positive that I'm clinging to. Hopefully a higher fertilisation rate in turn means better quality eggs and/or sperm? I don't know if there's any foundation to this but that's what I'm hoping.

I.AM.TERRIFIED of the phone call that we're due to receive on Sunday that will let us know if any of our embryos make it to freeze. All I can do is try to distract myself in the meantime but the worry is constantly there. I feel bad for my poor mother who knows we're doing IVF but I haven't been able to tell her anything that's happened this week (apart from letting her know I'm fine post-collection). I just can't bring myself to talk about it/vocalise it. Luckily she's not very familiar with how the whole thing goes so she possibly doesn't even notice my radio silence on the subject. Please God, please let this be our time. Please let our little embryos stay strong and healthy and please give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way.

Here we go again

Today is the start of IVF number 2. So far so good...1 ultrasound, 1 blood test and 2 injections in and I'm feeling okay. I can't wait until it's over.

Something that concerns me about my attitude is that I feel like, subconsciously, I'm looking on this IVF (and potentially future IVFs) as a "tick the box" exercise. I can't see it working. I can't see myself ever being pregnant or having our baby. It's so sad! It's a horrible way to think but as I say, it's subconscious. I'm operating solely on the basis of having no regrets in years to come. I want to be able to live with myself, and know that I've done everything I can.

Part of me feels like I need to retrain my mind but another part feels like I'm protecting myself. If I don't have too much expectation surely I won't have too much disappointment...except it doesn't work like that. This whole thing is heartbreaking.

Apart from our increase in supplements, the only difference is that they're taking me in for an extra scan this time to monitor me more closely. I think they might have done egg collection earlier, or else reduced my Gonal F earlier last time if my scans hadn't been so far apart. That doesn't change the fact that they think it's a sperm issue though. Oh well, we'll see. Hopefully things will be different this time. Some days it's easier to feel positive about that than others, but I will persevere!

Overall, 1 day down, I'm feeling fine. Long may it last.

Bad blogger

So I haven't been the best blogger over the past few weeks. It's been a very up and down time for me and I've had some good days but unfortunately plenty of bad days too. Sometimes it just all feels so overwhelming.

Our plan is go for round 2 in June, following the exact same protocol as before. This is the bit I'm finding hard to swallow...I got pretty upset in the doctors office the day he gave us his opinion and recommendations. The alternative was that dreaded word...donor. Even though it's hard to tell at the stage our embryos stopped so abruptly, he said that if he had a gun to his head he'd wager that the problem was with the sperm, rather than the egg. This meant that he doesn't see any reason to change the protocol since things went so well up to that point. I think more to appease me than anything, he prescribed Metformin for me. My testosterone was in the normal range but in the higher end so he said he was happy for me to try it.

In the meantime, we're trying to get our heads around the donor suggestion just in case it's something we need to consider after this cycle. It's not an easy one but I don't imagine that the first time any couple hears that word in the doctor's office, is a particularly happy one. We're lucky that there are options out there though I guess and I know that people have grown their families very happily by using that option.

Apart from that, we've upped our supplements game DRAMATICALLY! We thought we took plenty before the last round but nowadays we're rattling as we walk. We probably take about 20 tablets each a day. We're both doing acupuncture now but I've taken a backseat in that department because we can't afford for us both to attend regularly.

In the meantime, we're trying hard to stick to our diet. Sometimes it's more successful than others! We've lost some of the motivation and enthusiasm that drove us on before the last cycle. All I can do is take it day by day and before I know it, cycle 2 will be upon us. About 5/6 weeks and counting....until here we go again.