Wow, it's been a long time since I posted....I've just been getting on with life - both enjoying it and and preparing for our FET...which was yesterday. Our first hatching blastocyst survived thaw and was put back in yesterday afternoon. My acupuncturist also works out of our fertility clinic so she gave me pre and post acupuncture sessions on site. As I set myself up on the table for the first session, all I could think was it felt like this was happening to someone else. I can't believe we've gotten this far.
The transfer went smoothly and I've been feeling good since. Calm, positive, hopeful. I'm realistic enough to know that the hardest days are to come, but for the moment I'm going to enjoy this feeling of NOT freaking out. I'm pretty exhausted for some reason so my plan to lie on the couch, watching TV and reading for a few days feels good right now. I'm also bloating up as if I'm on stims again, but I'm guessing that's normal.
My beta is 8th November. A Tuesday. So, my plan is test on the morning of Sunday, the 6th so that I can mentally come to terms with the news without having to go straight into work after. I feel like I've followed every old wives tale and piece of advice out there. My relentless research and googling of the past couple of months has probably got something to do with the tiredness I'm feeling! I just pray to God that something is working. Fingers, toes and everything crossed. We are so ready for this to be our time.
Friday 28 October 2016
Tuesday 9 August 2016
The elephant in the room
I've read a lot of lists of what not to say to infertile people over the last few years but one I heard on Sunday really takes the biscuit for me...
We had our parents over for lunch and my mother in law was telling my mum about her sister who invites her whole extended family to dinner every Sunday (grandkids, kids, partners etc). She said how it was different for her because none of her children were married...well, at that we all burst out laughing given that her son and daughter in law were sitting across from her! It was funny and not an uncommon faux pas for her to make (in the most loving way possible, she's a little ditzy!)
However, she proceeded to correct herself by clarifying that she meant she has no grandchildren so we're not really....and then trailed off. M laughed again and said "so we're not really married?!" This is of course not what she meant and she would in no way want to cause any offence. Argh...the pain of that throwaway remark....that fact! I had to stare into my plate of food for about a minute before my eyes cleared enough and the lump disappeared from my throat. For what felt like an eternity it felt like (to me only I'm sure) there was a giant elephant in the room!
I wish we could give her a grandchild and I wish we could give my parents one (or two but let's not get greedy!) more. All we can do is hope, hope, hope. In the meantime, I'm still waiting for the elephant that only I can see, to leave the room!
We had our parents over for lunch and my mother in law was telling my mum about her sister who invites her whole extended family to dinner every Sunday (grandkids, kids, partners etc). She said how it was different for her because none of her children were married...well, at that we all burst out laughing given that her son and daughter in law were sitting across from her! It was funny and not an uncommon faux pas for her to make (in the most loving way possible, she's a little ditzy!)
However, she proceeded to correct herself by clarifying that she meant she has no grandchildren so we're not really....and then trailed off. M laughed again and said "so we're not really married?!" This is of course not what she meant and she would in no way want to cause any offence. Argh...the pain of that throwaway remark....that fact! I had to stare into my plate of food for about a minute before my eyes cleared enough and the lump disappeared from my throat. For what felt like an eternity it felt like (to me only I'm sure) there was a giant elephant in the room!
I wish we could give her a grandchild and I wish we could give my parents one (or two but let's not get greedy!) more. All we can do is hope, hope, hope. In the meantime, I'm still waiting for the elephant that only I can see, to leave the room!
Wednesday 27 July 2016
FET in motion
I spoke to one of the nurses at our clinic yesterday and to my surprise, she was able to book in our FET there and then! She said they book up quite quickly (it sounds like a hairdressers!) so she would put my name down to make sure I got my slot. So we settled on 27th October. It's a long way to go but I feel really good about it. And "asap" would have been maybe two weeks before. The way it falls, I'm planning on taking two days off from work and because it's a holiday weekend, I'll be off for 5 full days.
I was so hyper after the call...I still don't know why! I think I was excited. I AM excited. It's huge (this is me attempting to remain level headed and calm!). I'm trying not to think too far beyond what will (hopefully) happen after 27th October but for the moment, I'm going to enjoy feeling positive. We have a great few weeks ahead, with trips and a holiday so for the first time in a while, I'm going to focus on just enjoying life!
I was so hyper after the call...I still don't know why! I think I was excited. I AM excited. It's huge (this is me attempting to remain level headed and calm!). I'm trying not to think too far beyond what will (hopefully) happen after 27th October but for the moment, I'm going to enjoy feeling positive. We have a great few weeks ahead, with trips and a holiday so for the first time in a while, I'm going to focus on just enjoying life!
Sunday 17 July 2016
A battle won!
After days of anxiety and tears, the call we'd been waiting for came at 9.30 this morning - we have two frozen blasts! We are beyond happy and grateful. On top of that, the embryologist said that they look really good. One was hatching and one was expanding (off to Google now to read more about that!)
Today is a celebration for us. We are just so relieved. I feel physically lighter and my mind feels freer than it has in such a long time. We have long journey ahead of us still but this such a great victory for us! Even if these little blasts don't result in our long-awaited baby, we know now that we are capable of creating blasts, which in itself feels a massive result.
Now, it's time to celebrate and....relax!
Thank you God!!!
Today is a celebration for us. We are just so relieved. I feel physically lighter and my mind feels freer than it has in such a long time. We have long journey ahead of us still but this such a great victory for us! Even if these little blasts don't result in our long-awaited baby, we know now that we are capable of creating blasts, which in itself feels a massive result.
Now, it's time to celebrate and....relax!
Thank you God!!!
Friday 15 July 2016
This is what worried looks like
Two days until we get the phone call I've been dreading since the 6th March - i.e. the last day that we got such a phone call. Waiting is just so hard! So much of this crappy journey is made up of waiting and I don't think my patience has gotten any better with all the practice I've had.
I am terrified of how I will feel and how I will react if we are once again left with nothing. I know I'll cope because there's no other choice, but I don't want to. When I think back to a couple of months ago when we went through everything, it makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed that we had to navigate our way through those feelings. The thoughts of doing it again.... On top of those feelings of heartbreak, there's the added worry that it just might not happen for us. That my eggs and his sperm just aren't meant to make the match that we both want so much.
Sometimes I forget the worry and negativity that usually comes so naturally to me (I wish it didn't!) and I think about "when" we do our FET etc etc. Then I'm jerked back to the reality that a FET is in no way a given, but a dream, the next milestone we have to reach. I just hope it's within our grasp this time.
Two days to go. I hope I can stay sane and not work myself into a mess. All I can do is hope and pray that this time, things will be different.
Waiting is just so hard.
I am terrified of how I will feel and how I will react if we are once again left with nothing. I know I'll cope because there's no other choice, but I don't want to. When I think back to a couple of months ago when we went through everything, it makes me feel so sad and overwhelmed that we had to navigate our way through those feelings. The thoughts of doing it again.... On top of those feelings of heartbreak, there's the added worry that it just might not happen for us. That my eggs and his sperm just aren't meant to make the match that we both want so much.
Sometimes I forget the worry and negativity that usually comes so naturally to me (I wish it didn't!) and I think about "when" we do our FET etc etc. Then I'm jerked back to the reality that a FET is in no way a given, but a dream, the next milestone we have to reach. I just hope it's within our grasp this time.
Two days to go. I hope I can stay sane and not work myself into a mess. All I can do is hope and pray that this time, things will be different.
Waiting is just so hard.
Thursday 14 July 2016
This is so hard!
Egg collection was Monday and the procedure itself went fine (apart from waking up in the middle of it but they quickly noticed and knocked me back out) but my hormones were through the roof and they ended up getting 20 eggs which was a big shock. These factors combined meant that they weren't happy to do a potential (I say potential because nothing is a given) fresh transfer so we have to go to potential elective freeze.
The cherry on top of this that I have to take Clexane and Cetrotide injections every evening for two weeks and also a tablet that I can't remember the name of. This is to thin my blood to prevent clots and also to try and bring my system back to normal. These injections are really hurting at this stage. At least with stims it was all for a good cause - every injection was bringing us closer and giving us a better chance for more follicles. It's hard to find the silver lining for these and my tummy is just so beat up at this stage that we're just injecting into bruised tissue constantly. Oh well. I can handle the physical side of this...
The mental side on the other hand is a challenge, as I expected it would be. Out of our 20 eggs, 17 were mature and 12 fertilised. This gives us a roughly 71% fertilisation rate, compared to 58% last time. This is the positive that I'm clinging to. Hopefully a higher fertilisation rate in turn means better quality eggs and/or sperm? I don't know if there's any foundation to this but that's what I'm hoping.
I.AM.TERRIFIED of the phone call that we're due to receive on Sunday that will let us know if any of our embryos make it to freeze. All I can do is try to distract myself in the meantime but the worry is constantly there. I feel bad for my poor mother who knows we're doing IVF but I haven't been able to tell her anything that's happened this week (apart from letting her know I'm fine post-collection). I just can't bring myself to talk about it/vocalise it. Luckily she's not very familiar with how the whole thing goes so she possibly doesn't even notice my radio silence on the subject. Please God, please let this be our time. Please let our little embryos stay strong and healthy and please give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way.
The cherry on top of this that I have to take Clexane and Cetrotide injections every evening for two weeks and also a tablet that I can't remember the name of. This is to thin my blood to prevent clots and also to try and bring my system back to normal. These injections are really hurting at this stage. At least with stims it was all for a good cause - every injection was bringing us closer and giving us a better chance for more follicles. It's hard to find the silver lining for these and my tummy is just so beat up at this stage that we're just injecting into bruised tissue constantly. Oh well. I can handle the physical side of this...
The mental side on the other hand is a challenge, as I expected it would be. Out of our 20 eggs, 17 were mature and 12 fertilised. This gives us a roughly 71% fertilisation rate, compared to 58% last time. This is the positive that I'm clinging to. Hopefully a higher fertilisation rate in turn means better quality eggs and/or sperm? I don't know if there's any foundation to this but that's what I'm hoping.
I.AM.TERRIFIED of the phone call that we're due to receive on Sunday that will let us know if any of our embryos make it to freeze. All I can do is try to distract myself in the meantime but the worry is constantly there. I feel bad for my poor mother who knows we're doing IVF but I haven't been able to tell her anything that's happened this week (apart from letting her know I'm fine post-collection). I just can't bring myself to talk about it/vocalise it. Luckily she's not very familiar with how the whole thing goes so she possibly doesn't even notice my radio silence on the subject. Please God, please let this be our time. Please let our little embryos stay strong and healthy and please give us the strength to deal with whatever comes our way.
Wednesday 29 June 2016
Here we go again
Today is the start of IVF number 2. So far so good...1 ultrasound, 1 blood test and 2 injections in and I'm feeling okay. I can't wait until it's over.
Something that concerns me about my attitude is that I feel like, subconsciously, I'm looking on this IVF (and potentially future IVFs) as a "tick the box" exercise. I can't see it working. I can't see myself ever being pregnant or having our baby. It's so sad! It's a horrible way to think but as I say, it's subconscious. I'm operating solely on the basis of having no regrets in years to come. I want to be able to live with myself, and know that I've done everything I can.
Part of me feels like I need to retrain my mind but another part feels like I'm protecting myself. If I don't have too much expectation surely I won't have too much disappointment...except it doesn't work like that. This whole thing is heartbreaking.
Apart from our increase in supplements, the only difference is that they're taking me in for an extra scan this time to monitor me more closely. I think they might have done egg collection earlier, or else reduced my Gonal F earlier last time if my scans hadn't been so far apart. That doesn't change the fact that they think it's a sperm issue though. Oh well, we'll see. Hopefully things will be different this time. Some days it's easier to feel positive about that than others, but I will persevere!
Overall, 1 day down, I'm feeling fine. Long may it last.
Something that concerns me about my attitude is that I feel like, subconsciously, I'm looking on this IVF (and potentially future IVFs) as a "tick the box" exercise. I can't see it working. I can't see myself ever being pregnant or having our baby. It's so sad! It's a horrible way to think but as I say, it's subconscious. I'm operating solely on the basis of having no regrets in years to come. I want to be able to live with myself, and know that I've done everything I can.
Part of me feels like I need to retrain my mind but another part feels like I'm protecting myself. If I don't have too much expectation surely I won't have too much disappointment...except it doesn't work like that. This whole thing is heartbreaking.
Apart from our increase in supplements, the only difference is that they're taking me in for an extra scan this time to monitor me more closely. I think they might have done egg collection earlier, or else reduced my Gonal F earlier last time if my scans hadn't been so far apart. That doesn't change the fact that they think it's a sperm issue though. Oh well, we'll see. Hopefully things will be different this time. Some days it's easier to feel positive about that than others, but I will persevere!
Overall, 1 day down, I'm feeling fine. Long may it last.
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